I know I haven’t written for a while. Quite a lot of things are going on, and almost none of them are good.
First of all, I’m a jealous bitch. This is a problem, and it’s one I’ve always had. Since first grade, I can remember the teacher saying that someone did something “the best” and if it wasn’t me, I was jealous. I remember being jealous of friends who had things that I didn’t, and jealous of people who got better scores on something than I did.
This is not something new, and not something that just developed since I met my husband.
Sadly enough, my mother sometimes tells me that there is a girl in Hinton that has been adopted as her “replacement daughter.” Not only does this hurt my feelings, but it makes me jealous that they care enough about her to say something like that to me.
This is all beside the point though. The point is that Justin has friends that are girls, and it makes me insanely jealous. I have tried to compromise by telling him that he can be friends with anyone he wants to be friend with, I just don’t want him to talk to me about them. This is still not acceptable, because he feels like I’m being childish by not wanting to hear about it. I really don’t know what to do.
I can’t persuade myself that I’ll be ok knowing he is friends with a girl. It’s not a trust issue, because I don’t really think he’s going to do anything. I can’t even explain what I’m jealous of, but it burns me. My stomach starts to hurt, and I want to cry. I get feelings of inadequacy. I don’t feel like I need to have friends that are guys, and while I completely understand and agree that we should both be “allowed” to have friends of the opposite sex, I can’t convince my mind to work that way.
This is something that I will probably have to work on frequently, as I don’t see things working out if it doesn’t get better.
“I just wonder how many years I’m going to have to put up with this shit,” is one of the most painful, slap-in-the-face statements I’ve ever heard. I’m trying, I’m working on it, but I make no promises. I will do the very best I am capable of doing.
If you have any advice on how to get through a problem like this, please share it with me. ANYONE. Even if you don’t really know me. (My AIM is TempestBeauty.)
In other news, I FUCKING HURT MY LEFT ANKLE TODAY.
What the hell is wrong with me? What normal person goes through a week injuring themselves regularly? I feel like I should be wrapped in bubble paper. I am so depressed and upset and stressed out right now I could scream. Between arguing, hurting, studying and three tests, I imagine my head being held under water. I have a hard time explaining what I’m feeling, but mostly I want to go curl up on my mom’s lap and cry for an hour. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want advice, I just want to cry.
Maybe I’ll go to bed and cry for a while. Then I’ll sleep, wake up tomorrow, and hope I have a better day. I hope you get to have a good day.