I’m awake now! I actually only slept for about an hour. I was having a dream, and in my dream I was getting text messages over and over again. When I finally opened my eyes and looked at my cell phone, I had 24 messages waiting. I’m sorta glad I woke up though. My dream really sucked.
I used to have bad dreams all the time about my ex. I used to get really upset because I would wake up in a panic, and feeling hurt, and crying. It was just stupid things, being yelled at, or told that I ruined everything, or being cheated on again. But I could always handle that, because at least when I woke up I knew it wasn’t real. I didn’t have to stop and remember where I am or what I’ve been through – I know I’m not with him any more.
It’s a lot harder when I have a bad dream about Brock. It’s even worse when I have a bad dream about something that we’ve been arguing about that very same morning. I wake up thinking its real. I’m mad at him, and I feel like I have the right to be. And I have to calm myself down knowing that my brain made it up, and I have no reason to be mad at him at all… it isn’t real.
***Re-reading this for edit, I make a complete topic jump here.***
When it comes right down to it, I’m afraid to put in the time and effort and emotion in trying. That makes me a coward, yes. And when things get hard, or we fight, I want to run away. I always give up in my mind. I don’t even want to stick up for myself or even just push to make things better. And I thank God every day that Brock is strong enough to pull me back. I know, I know so very well that we are worth fighting for. And that the things that we fight about, the in-frequency of our little tiffs are nothing to get upset about, nothing to quit over.
But in those weak moments, in the broken part of my heart, I just give in. I want it to stop happening. I’m not a quitter.