I don’t understand how I can love him so incredibly much during the day…

… and hate him so much at night.

It’s 10:23 pm, and my child is awake.  His bedtime is 7:00 pm.  Strange how that works, isn’t it? 

I’m tired of bitching and complaining about my sons sleep habits, or lack thereof.  Every time I think to myself that at least it can’t get worse than this, it does.  I never, in my entire life, imagined that I would STILL not be getting any sleep when my child was seven months old. 

That’s sort of hard to comprehend.  I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep in seven whole months.  I’m not even getting night-time naps lately, less than two hours at a time isn’t really a nap.  It’s no wonder I hardly function, fly off at the handle, and want to cry all the time.  It’s no wonder I DO cry all the time.  I get so mad, I forget what it feels like to love him.  I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want to hold him, I just want to put him down and walk away.  Sometimes I do.  What do you do when there’s nothing else you can try?

It seriously makes me wonder.  Whatever you believe – God, Evolution, whatever – how can this possibly be the way things are supposed to work?  Is this the grand plan?  Does God make it so that we don’t get any sleep as a test to see if we’re strong enough (or desperate enough) to let our babies cry it out?  Or is the real test to see if we can overcome the exhaustion and keep with it, regardless of how long it takes?  Where is the virtue in making a mother want to die of sleep exhaustion?  From an evolutionary point of view – how could this possibly be the way things are supposed to be?  Wouldn’t a mother that isn’t getting ANY sleep at all be unable to provide for her children/family during the day?  Wouldn’t forcing that mother to allow her baby to cry it out put her in danger at night when predators are lurking? 

I feel like I’m missing some magic trick; that one little thing that, once I’ve figured it out, he’ll sleep better and we’ll all be happier.  Like there’s this special button right near his navel, only two inches to the left and a fingers breadth down, and when I push it – BAM – he becomes a wonderful sleeper.  Or maybe it’s somewhere on his right foot.  Maybe Ronan’s Magic Sleep Button(tm) is broken.  That’s got to be what it is.  There is NOTHING that we haven’t tried.  No matter what it is, what trick, suggestion, idea or method put forth in the multitudes of baby books I’ve read, they each work for a night or two tops, and then we’re back to square one. 

It’s now 11:33 pm.  Ronan has been sleeping for about 20 minutes.  This post was frequently interrupted by I child that I had previously thought was sleeping, only to sit down, settle in, and have to run to his rescue again.  It’s time for me to go to bed.  Part of me prays that I will get a good night’s sleep.   Part of me wonders what my cave-woman ancestor would do.  And part of me just doesn’t give a shit anymore.  I’m too tired to care.

  • http://storyofmylife87.xanga.com/ storyofmylife87

    This seriously sounds like my life, 3 years ago. My oldest just didn’t sleep at all! My youngest (who was born August 19th, 2009) is already sleeping through the night. I honestly believe it’s just the child. It’s nothing you’ve done. No matter what I did, Kailyn wouldn’t sleep. I got to your point. I let Kailyn cry it out because I couldn’t take it anymore. I put her in her crib and walked away. She cried for about an hour, and then stood in her crib for another HOUR! I know all kids are different, so maybe the cry it out method WILL work for him. Maybe you should try letting him cry for 10 minutes, and every night make it a little longer. I know you’re completely against this idea, but you both need sleep. Especially since you have a job. I’m sure Ronan is just as tired as you are during the day. Babies are supposed to be getting alot more sleep. And experts say babies can’t make up for the lack of sleep they’re getting during the day. Anyways, I hope you get some sleep soon. Kailyn didn’t let me sleep until she was over a year old. She’s MUCH better now.

  • http://mustangsally04.xanga.com/ MustangSally04

    I would offer advice, because I know my SIL had the same issues with my nephew, however being a non-mom myself, I don’t think my advice counts for much. I don’t know how hard it is to let him cry it out. I don’t understand the helpless feeling when he just won’t sleep. What works for one baby doesn’t always work for another. Ronan is his own little person, with his own attitude and sleep habits. He’ll get through this, and so will you. Hang in there.

  • http://histrion.xanga.com/ Histrion

    I read recently that on the whole, regardless of race, gender, or socioeconomic status, the biggest single factor guaranteed to decrease a person’s happiness is having children.

    I’m not sure if that will cheer you up or not, to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. I surely have felt that way many times in the past ten months since my son was born.
    Although, frankly, I do love the little squirt.

  • http://curlyquilter.xanga.com/ Curlyquilter

    Scally’s 16 and could sleep ALL DAY!

    What’s with that?

    I do, however remember those sleepless night!  It was HELL!  When he was 2 1/2, i was still breastfeeding.  One day, I just lifted my shirt and said ‘take a good look boy, cuz it’s the last time you are gonna see them’!  That was it, i so cut him off. 

    I don’t remember anything else, and apparently, he dosen’t either!  I don’t know why he dosen’t like to talk about the breastfeeding?  jeesh, it’s just boobs!

    Just think of it as BIRTH CONTROL!

    :)

    heh

  • http://laniecho.xanga.com/ Laniecho

    I know this sounds bad, and I have no idea if this is accurate seeing that I don’t have a kid…but, have you thought about getting a baby monitor and seriously letting him cry himself to sleep?  They get so exhausted that they just pass out…

    I know you mentioned getting a baby monitor and you didn’t like the idea, but it might be something to consider.

  • http://janusfiles.xanga.com/ janusfiles

    Well, look at it this way — it’s 11:00, and you do know where your child is.  Hmmm, for some reason, I suspect that you aren’t finding that as funny as I did.

    Wish I could give you something resembling sage advice, but for the past few days, I have been having some erratic sleep patterns myself.  On the nights when Ronan does fall asleep and stay that way, have you noticed anything that seems to help?