I love the song ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City. It is fantastic.
Why am I blogging at 11:44 pm you ask? Because, once again my screwed up internal clock thinks it’s time to be awake. I might go get up and chug some benadryl.
We had a break through today. I had a meltdown just after Brock got home. Ronan was still awake, refused to go to sleep, and the house was a disaster from dealing with fussy baby all day. I had taken Ronan up to his crib to nurse, and try to put him down to sleep around 9 – he was having NONE of it. So I put him down in his crib, turned on his sleepy time aquarium, gave him his paci, shut the door and walked away.
I sat downstairs on the couch with Brock for about 5 minutes before he started crying. And then I started crying. I was just too overwhelmed, too tired and unable to cope. I told Brock that I just wanted to go to bed. So… He said “Go to bed, I’ll take care of the baby.”. He also told me that if the baby gets up tonight and won’t fall back asleep, to let him get up with Ronan so I can get a good nights rest. That made me SO happy… This is the first time he’s ever offered to help with nighttime parenting.
Of course that’s now being blown by the fact that I can’t sleep at all.
Here is where I was going to write about being an attachment parent, and how I feel very strongly about my choices as a mother – how I refuse to use a cry-it-out method and why – but I don’t feel up to it. Really, I just don’t want people to suggest it to me. It’s fine if you think allowing your child to fall asleep while crying is acceptable; it will never be acceptable to me. I will not let him scream himself to sleep so that I can be more comfortable. I can’t do it. Maybe I’m just weak.
No one ever said being a parent was easy. I find some days harder than others, but in the end, I’m up to the challenge. I love this boy.