Monthly Archives: October 2009

Dear Ronan: 8 months old

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Wow.  I can hardly believe I just wrote those words.  8 months old?  Son, you are 8 months old today.

You have been a part of my life for these few short months, and yet I feel like I have always known you.  I can’t imagine a day or a time before you, I can’t remember when I didn’t know you.  Every day, I get to enjoy our world through YOUR eyes.  I never knew Cheerios could be so much fun, or how hilarious our dog is.  I love getting to see your eyes light up when Daddy gets home, and how happy he is to see you.  I get to wipe your sloppy kisses off my cheek, and unwrap my hair from your tiny fingers.

These last few weeks have been so hard on us, Ronan.  We think you’re never going to learn to sleep, and you make us CRAZY sometimes.  Daddy and I trade you back and forth, trying to calm you down, to settle you into bed… but you fight!  You are just as stubborn as we are!  No matter how tired we get, or frustrated, no matter how badly we want you to go to sleep; we still enjoy every single moment we get to play with you.  Sometimes I’m glad that you are awake because I miss you when you’re sleeping.

You are almost ‘big boy’ crawling now, even though you scoot around on the floor at a hundred miles an hour!  You love to sit on your knees and play with books.  Any time you can stand up, you will – at the couch, at the TV, at the baby gate.  You fake laugh all of the time, and it makes me laugh.  Then you laugh at me because I’m laughing!  Your favorite thing in the world is Meet The Robinsons.  You watch so intently, and couldn’t care less if we put something else on.  I don’t mind, because I like the movie too.  I want to watch it with you when you’re older, and see if you still think it’s great.  You LOVE food, Ronan.  Any time you see me or Daddy eating, you open your mouth.  “Food goes HERE, Mum.”  If we don’t share with you, you let us know that you aren’t happy about it.  You hate the vaccuum, and can’t STAND to have your diaper changed.  You chase the cat everywhere he goes, but he always seems to be one step ahead!  I LOVE to go up and get you when you wake up from a nap;  you’re always standing at the side of your crib with a huge grin on your face, and you hug me SO tightly when I pick you up.

I love you more than words can say, Ronan.  I can’t wait to watch you grow up, to see what excites you, to help you learn and grow.  I can’t wait to teach you things, and share every single day with you.  And even as I say those words, I want you to stay my little baby boy forever.  I’m not ready to give up my cuddles and coos.  You are already so independent.  Please don’t grow up too fast.

Love,

Mum.

How to Title a Blog.

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I really have no clue.  Today, I wanted to write about how I’m fighting the urge to just sit and watch all of my shows on Hulu, and ignore all other responsibilities.  (Modern Family!  Glee!  House!)  Really, does cleaning the house, showering and doing laundry sound HALF as awesome?!

Woah, sleep issues.  Ronan had a late nap yesterday.  Nanny let him go down at 5, and he slept until Brock got home at around 5:45.  He then resisted sleep until after I got home from work, nearly 11 pm.  How did he stay awake for so long?!  He never goes more than 3 hours during the day without a nap, yet he can stay up for six hours at night while fighting sleep?  I think that’s what’s known as over-exhaustion.  We’ve seen so little in the way of improvements, it’s hard to imagine anything other than the status quo.  This is our life… I heard a song yesterday by the Barenaked Ladies – “Who needs sleep, yeah, you’re never gonna get it…” – totally appropriate.

He also woke up at almost exactly 3 am, and screamed for half an hour.  He is inconsolable – wont let me hold him, wont let me rock him, wont let me nurse him; it’s utterly heartbreaking.  I sit and watch him writhe and scream with tears pouring down my face.  I have no idea what’s going on, and no idea what to do.  Ronan’s pediatrician says it’s behavioral, and he’s just throwing fits to get what he wants, to get picked up.  My gut tells me something is hurting him, and it’s tearing me apart.  If he just wanted attention or to be picked up, wouldn’t he stop ONCE HE WAS PICKED UP?  It’s time for us to go for a second opinion.  And since I’m still nursing, it’s also time for me to try some drastic moves.  Cutting out diary seems like an insurmountable task, but it’s worth a try.  If I’m not willing to quit nursing, I need to be willing to try something else that might help.  No cheese.  No butter.  No ice cream.  I might cry.

I Just Want To Cuss.

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Upon deciding that I would create a ‘real’ blog, I also decided that it was important for me to commit to writing every single day.  That is one of the few things that has been missing in my previous endeavors as a blogger.  And then, I always get to the point where I’ve had a horrible day, and I don’t want to write, and I have to do it anyways.

Could you hear the whining tone?

But I’m going to write anyways!  Since today has actually been a great day, despite getting in a huge fight with my husband over absolutely nothing. Ronan had his second chiropractor appointment, and it was amazing.  She adjusted his neck again, and he just lay there and let her do it!  It was as though he knew that it was going to make him feel better.  We came home and immediately had a 2 hour nap.  One of the best one’s ever.  And I got SO much done!

I have some ideas for this blog.  Some quite stolen from other blogs, and some semi-original ideas.  I want to write letters to Ronan.  I WILL keep them separately, but put them up here.  I also want to post old blogs from my Xanga – I think I’ve written some amazing things, and they shouldn’t just die in the Xanga archives.  I’ll try to intersperse them with regular blogs.  I also want to post pictures that I’ve taken, as you may have seen.  Most of all, I would like for my writing to improve, and the only way for that to happen is just to simply write and write and write.

Have I ever said before that I love Sandra Bullock?  Well, I do.

Work In Progress

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Yeah, it really is just that.  The real question is, who knows how long it will continue to be in progress for?

The hardest part about a venture like this is that I spend a few hours every day working on this website, and only a few short minutes of that is something actually enjoyable.  Like writing.  It’s taking a lot longer than I really thought it would to get everything figured out.  Right now, I’m just using a pre-made layout, and Brock really wants me to have my own designed and worked up.  That seems like a whole lot of effort to me.  I’d love to try to make this as easy as possible.

The Chiropractor thing?  Seems to totally have been a success.  Ronan has slept better in the last 3 nights than he has in months.  That doesn’t mean that he’s been perfect by any stretch of the imagination – but there has been improvement.  It really feels like, no matter what, as long as things might be getting better, I can deal with it.  It was that downward spiral that seemed to continue to slowly degrade into nothingness that was completely soul crushing.

Speaking of soul crushing, work is so difficult to handle.  Brock and I had this huge discussion the other day about how overwhelming it seemed to think about having another baby when our house is in a constant state of turmoil.  I pointed out to him rather forcefully that I could be a mom, work full time, and clean the house – but he can ONLY have two of the three at any given time.  So if he wants to have a clean house, and keep his son, the job needs to go.  And if he wants me to keep working (and keep his son!) we need to hire someone to help us clean.  Really, giving away the kid isn’t so much of an option – although I’ve had offers!

I’m stressed out to the max, and I think it’s making me lose my milk.  That stresses me out more.  But things shall get better, I am sure.  Because that’s what they do.  They get worse and worse until I think we can’t take it any more… and then they get better.  I might just repeat that to myself a few times, until I actually believe it.

The Real Day One.

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I have created my very own blog.
It is still in its infancy.  I get to sit here, on the floor in my living room with my laptop on the couch seat, and work on my project while my son is napping.  My son, by the way, is Ronan.  The worlds most wonderful baby, that is actually quite horrible sometimes.  Right now, I need to get my layout, design ideas and everything together.  I want to get some advertisements on my page.  Ugh.  (I know, right?)  But the idea is that perhaps, someday, my writing and my passions will allow me to be a stay at home mom.

I love to read blogs.  Other people love to read blogs.  Why not mine?

I took Ronan to the chiropractor today.  My husband, Brock, thinks chiropract-y(?) is a racket.  We’ll see.  If he sleep better tonight, then maybe it will have been worth it.

On with the blog ideas.  I’m going to post pictures regularly, because I LOVE to photograph my son, and just about everything else in my life.  I’d like to touch on topics that are serious, as well as blabber on inanely about my day.  We’ll see how it turns out in the end.