I have thought about this and thought about this, nearly every day since my son was born.

If someone were to ask you to describe yourself, what would come to mind?  If you had to give a one word answer, how would you demonstrate who you think you are?

There was a point in my life where I found that question simple. “I am me. Mandy.” And when I would see women driving around with vanity plates that said, “JOSH S MOM” or “MOM OF 3″ – bumper stickers that proclaimed “World’s best MOM” – I would look down upon them.  I thought it was horrible that they thought so little about who they were before their children were born, that the person they ‘used to be’ no longer mattered.  I always knew that I would never be like that.

When Ronan was born, a funny thing happened.  I spent my time with him, all of my time.  I didn’t go anywhere without him.  I took him to the mall and the grocery store and the park.  He became like another part of me – only a part that I was so proud of, I couldn’t help but show him off.  I wanted all the world to see the new bit of Mandy.  I absolutely loved every minute of being with my boy, and didn’t wish for time to be left alone.  Who wants time off from their left arm, or their ear?

Then came the day that I went somewhere without Ronan.  I was just Mandy again.  “Just Mandy.”

I.  Hated.  Every.  Minute.  I felt like I was naked, like a part of my body had been taken away from me.  I walked around Target, and I thought, Every person here that looks at me just sees ME.  They don’t SEE that I’m a mom.  They don’t see that I’ve given birth, and don’t see the wonderful little miracle that I get to share with the world, how cute and sweet and funny he is.  They only see me. I wanted to shout out, “I AM A MOM! I HAVE A SON!”  I wanted to wear a sign that told people that I wasn’t just some other person walking through the store, I was special.  When I saw another mom that had her children with her, I wanted to say to her, “You know, I’m a mom too.  I’m part of the club.”  I still find it hard to resist the urge to point out my mother-ness.

It was then that I realized that I haven’t lost my old identity.  Mandy isn’t gone.  She’s just changed a little bit.  She’s become a little something more.  And she’s very proud of the fact that she has created a life – and that new little piece of her is worth being proud of.  I’m not Just Mandy, any more.  I’m Mandy Plus.  Being a mom isn’t the ONLY thing that makes me special… it’s just one of the sweetest things.

I like books.

The sweetest toes!!

Stealing KJ’s yarn while she knit him a hat.

Totally buddies.

Cheeky bugger!  I love this grin!

<3.

Ok, so I didn’t get this up yesterday.  Whatev.  It’s worth watching.  Sorry about the poor video quality, I had the camera on the wrong setting.

I think I’m the best wife ever.

Not really, but I love to make my husband happy, and I want him to get things that he wants.

We live like we’re broke 99% of the time.   We don’t eat out, we don’t go and buy whatever we want, and we don’t have super nice things.  We’re the only couple of all of the people that we know that don’t have an awesome home-theater system, haven’t just bought a new house or made any other big purchases of that sort.   But we’re happy with what we have, and we’re also the only couple that has gotten married and had a baby all within the same year.

We live like we’re broke, and it has allowed us to survive while paying off our debts.  It has also allowed us to save up a cute little nest egg.  This Christmas, I told my husband to get a new PC (the one he needs for when Starcraft 2 comes out.)  He’s been shopping for parts for MONTHS now, and quite frankly – I’m tired of it.   I want him to just get it over with and purchase the damn thing so I don’t have to keep hearing about this cooling system, and that motherboard.  Which video card?  I don’t care!  JUST BUY IT.

In return, I’ve sort of had my hopes set on a pretty little digital camera.   I’ve been thinking that if Brock gets his PC, perhaps I could get a new camera and indulge in my favorite pastime a little more seriously.  Bouncing back and forth between a new entry level Canon Eos T1i… or a Canon 5D - used. I couldn’t really decide.   I would end up spending about the same amount, but there is a vast difference in the camera quality.   Do I really want to go used over new?

Now, it DOESN’T MATTER.   Because I’m the BEST WIFE EVER.  And we found a great deal on TV’s.  So, I let Brock order a new 46 inch Samsung LED TV.   AND get his new PC.

Wow, are we just being frivolous or what?

We have been dealing with so much debt over the last few years.  It always seems like things have been hitting us harder and harder.   First the wedding, then honeymoon, then baby-stuff, then medical bills.  Now that we finally have it all paid off, it feels really good to spend some of our hard earned money on US.

And hey, it’s not like I’m not going to enjoy the new TV as well.  New camera will just have to wait a while.  And I’m okay with that.

I figured I should write something about being thankful, seeing as how today is Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful for:

…my wonderful husband, and everything he does for me.

…my incredible son, and the person he is becoming every day.

…my family.  Every single person.  I love you all.

…my beautiful mother in law and her incredible cooking. What a feast! Year after year, she never disappoints.

…my mom and dad. I love you, mom. I love you, dad. I don’t think you hear it enough. I can’t wait for the day you finally meet my son.

…my friends.  So many people care about me, I don’t think I deserve it.

…my health.  My family’s health.  How incredibly blessed we all are to be so healthy.

…my job.  My husband’s job.  Our security in this time of uncertainty.

…pacifiers, and the wonderful work they do.

…milk filled boobies.

…bad jokes that don’t make me laugh.

…pants that fit again.

…communication.  Cellphones, Skype, Facebook and all the other ways I keep in touch.

…high chairs, and their magical ability to create immobility.

…my camera, because the memories I’ve captured are irreplaceable.

…my blog, and all of my readers.  I do this for me, but you keep me going.

…my life.  It is a blessed life, and I lose sight of that sometimes.  I am thankful for today.

Let’s get right into it – no pulling punches.

My husband plays videogames.  I’m not surprised, nor was I unaware of this fact when I fell in love with him.  Much of the groundwork of our relationship was laid when we played World of Warcraft together as friends.  And I will give him so very much credit; since we have been together, he has dialed back his gaming time to a fantastic degree.  He still likes to play when I’m sleeping, or when I’m gone at work, but when I’m home and we’re together… we are together.  There has never really been a time in the last three and a half years that I wished he would just put down his stupid game and come spend time with me.

Enter: baby.

Ronan has added a whole new function to the equation.  We’ve all heard stories about those parents that stuff their kids in a closet in order to play games in peace, or that have neglected to feed their children for weeks while participating in a raid.  There is no fear of that here, in this household.  There is no competition between Ronan and a videogame.

There is, however, some troubling overlap.  And this is where Brock and I don’t see eye to eye.

I may be a little strong-willed in my beliefs.  There are certain things I hold to be true above all else, and I insist on making it so.  I don’t subscribe to the school of thought on allowing my child to cry it out.  I did not feed my son solid foods before his sixth month.  I will nurse until he is one year old.  And… I don’t think children should see violence, even before they are old enough to recognize it for what it is.  I don’t know why I feel this way, I don’t even know if it’s a relevant fear.  I have these images in my mind of children learning through what they see… isn’t that the point of educational television?  If he can learn to count to ten in Spanish from Dora the Explorer, couldn’t he possibly learn that a sharp object can be used to stab someone and make them bleed?  What do we have to gain from allowing him to learn that?

So, I instituted a rule.  No violent videogames or TV shows to be played/watched/seen when Ronan is within viewing distance.  I didn’t really think that it was a bad rule, and Brock didn’t really object.  We’ve turned off movies that were too graphic and waited to watch them when Ronan was in bed.  We’ve covered his eyes if there was a part of an episode that we thought was inappropriate.  We’ve been sticking to it, and that made me happy.

Enter: Assassin’s Creed 2.

Brock had the luxury of playing the first installment of this console game while I was still pregnant, and there were no ‘rules’.   Assassin’s Creed is a unique game in that there is a large amount of content that is decidedly non-violent.  Much of the time in-game is spent exploring, spying, hunting treasure, and pushing the storyline forward.  There are, however, large portions of the game that involve killing people; come on, now… it’s called ASSASSIN’S Creed.

Our typical scenario occurs when Brock is running around in-game, minding his own business and doing one of the many fight-free objectives.  Ronan plays nearby on the floor, having little to no interest in the colors and shapes on the television screen.  Suddenly, a fight breaks out in-game, and Brock is intently doing battle.  There are swords and fists flying, blood is splattering, and people are yelling out in agony.  Ronan immediately becomes VERY interested, and can’t peel his eyes from the screen.  I look over, notice what is going on, and bring it to Brock’s attention that he’s allowing Ronan to watch digital people be killed.

This same scenario occurs several times over the course of an evening.  I start to get frustrated, because I don’t think Brock takes it seriously, nor is he paying enough attention to his surroundings to notice what he is subjecting his child to.  Brock gets upset because he thinks it’s my responsibility to “distract” Ronan whenever he gets into a fighting situation that I don’t want Ronan to see.  He told me that he doesn’t think it’s such a big deal for Ronan to watch what’s going on, and if I’m the one that’s worried about it, I should be the one dealing with it.  I feel that if he’s not attentive enough to be sure he’s not killing people while Ronan is watching, he shouldn’t be playing while Ronan is awake.

Enter:  The fight.

Brock and I had our first knock-down, drag-out over this one.  I don’t really know which of us is right or wrong.  I don’t know how to reconcile the difference in opinion.  I just know that I don’t want my kid knifing some other kid in the park, standing over him, and saying, “I live by the creed.”

Someone on Xanga started a list of all of his paying jobs.  And then another friend did it.  It made me stop to think about all of the jobs I’ve had in the past that I was actually paid for.  It was kind of fun to write them all down.  Here’s the final list.

Paying jobs:

1. Babysitting.  I was a really good babysitter.  I think I got 10 bucks per job regardless of the length, but I really didn’t do it for the money, I just really liked kids.

2. Singer/Entertainer.  I don’t really know if this one counts.  My mom used to be a lounge singer, and sometimes she would take me to work with her.  I would sing, and get paid in “Shirley Temple” drinks.  Some of my earliest and best memories.

3.  Shoveling horse manure.  I honestly got paid for this!  5 dollars for every wheelbarrow.  My “aunt” put all of the money that I’d earned into a bank account for me, and I used it to pay all of my entry fees for all of the horse shows we entered.  Somewhere, my mom still has the box of all of the ribbons I’ve earned.

4.  Nanny.  I lived with a family with two young children for several months.  I absolutely loved it.  They were a delight, and some of my fondest memories are of time spent with their mother.  I should probably look her up on facebook right now.

5.  Beer Cart Girl.  I worked at a golf course, and drove the beer cart.  I could make 50 bucks in tips in an hour.  All I had to do was laugh at their jokes, and smile pretty.  Oh yeah, and they were always right.

6.  Club house worker.  This was also at the golf course, but it was a different sort of job.  We ran the kitchen, cooked and prepared food, but also did all of the big conventions that used the golf course.  It was a LOT of work – probably the hardest job I’ve ever really had.

7.  Liquor store clerk.  It was as this point in my working career that I realized all jobs, no matter how menial seeming, have elements to them that you didn’t expect that are really a pain in the arse.  I HATED dusting alcohol bottles, and “inventory” was a pain in the butt.  I also hated that, after my first scheduled shift on a shipment day where I had everything placed and inventoried, I was subsequently scheduled on EVERY shipment day.  My dad told me afterward that I shouldn’t have done such a good job.

8.  Lounge bartender.  I couldn’t mix many drinks… but it didn’t matter.  My regulars only wanted their beers or straight up liquor.  I got off every night at 2am, and my mom and dad would walk down to meet me, help me close up, and walk home with me.  They didn’t want their 18 year old daughter walking through town by herself.  And I love them for this more than they could possibly imagine.

9.  Waitress at the hotel restaurant.  Yet another job where there was so much more to do than it seemed at first glance.  Waiting tables is a horrendously difficult job, and I have a lot of respect for really great waiters/waitresses.  I also always clean up after myself and my child at a restaurant.  I think EVERY person should have to work in the food service industry for at least a month.

10.  Data Entry.  This was what I considered my first “real” job.  I worked at a credit card distribution company.  We did a TON of data entry, but the real purpose of the job was “instant credit”.  So when you’re standing in the store, and you decide to apply for a card, and you fill all of the crap out, your application is sent to someone who looks over your credit report and decides whether or not to approve you.  It was a pretty good job.  Worked there for 2 years before I went stir crazy and quit.  Honestly, I quit.  No notice, nothing.  I just walked out one night.

11.  “Model” at Abercrombie and Fitch.  Hahahaha.  I folded clothes.  I worked there for the discount, and the ego boost it gave me to get hired there.  I made some good friends, but the job was pretty shallow.

12.  Claire’s.  This was actually one of my favorite jobs.  I got really good at getting out merch, handling busy times, opening and closing… but the best part was convincing little girls that they really WEREN’T too scared to get their ears pierced, and seeing how excited they were when it was all over.  It’s also the reason I have 7 earring holes in my ears.

13.  Medical Records Clerk.  I worked at one of the clinics that I was interning at during my Ultrasound clinicals.  I sat in the office for a few hours a week (usually about 4) and scanned paperwork into the digital filing system.  It was MIND NUMBING.  I probably should have started listening to audio books.

14.  Waitress.  This time, it was at Firebirds, a REAL restaurant.  I made it through 2 weeks of training, just long enough to find out that I was going to be a great waitress, and then I was hired by my first hospital as an official Ultrasonographer.

15.  Wait, back to Abercrombie.  I got another job there when I first moved to Charlotte to make some money and get clothes for cheap.  I spent every paycheck I got there… there.   Oops.

16.  Sonographer.  I worked at a small hospital as the weekender tech.  I absolutely loved my weekend peeps, and I still miss them very much.  Sally, Bill, Trina, Calvin, Hayley, Meagan, and everyone else.  I worked here for a year, but four months before my contract was up, I got a job at…

17.  Sonographer at an OB/GYN.  My door to the world of OB – and the beginning of my passion.  I worked here 5 days a week while I was working my weekend job at CMC-U.  The longest, hardest 4 months of my life.  Money is truly not worth it, people.  Having a life means something too.

18.  Sonographer at a high risk obstetric clinic.  This is it.  The pinnacle of my career.  I was hired at my dream job, as a sonographer in a high-risk obstetric clinic.  I worked at this office for a total of 8 months – the length of my pregnancy – and decided not to go back to working full time, staying home with my son instead.  I do NOT regret this decision, even though I miss working there more than words can describe.  I miss my people, my friends, my patients, my doctors… but most of all, I miss having passion for my work, and finding joy in every day.  My ultimate goal is to return to this field of work.

19.  Sonographer!  Ha.  I currently work at a busy hospital as an Ultrasound Technologist.  I work the weekend overnight shift, and a random 12 hour Wednesday DAY shift every few weeks.

Wooooooo hoo!  19 jobs.  I really think Brock needs to do this, I think he could make it past the 20 mark.

Little boy, a whole month has gone by.  And you haven’t sat still for any of it!

Somewhere between here and then, you learned how to crawl like a big guy.  Now there’s nothing that can stop you!  Back and forth across the floor faster than we can say “look at him go!”  You pull yourself up on everything, and just started letting go.  So brave.  That puppy dog, Flint, is still your most favorite toy in the world – after Daddy of course.  We call you “speed bump” because you love to detour across the room to crawl your way across daddy’s legs. You make us laugh every single day.  You love to blow raspberries, and you bite everything that gets near your mouth… including me!  You started saying “Da da da da da” last week, and your dad couldn’t be happier.  You still don’t love to sleep, but things get a little better and a little worse.  We’re working on it.

I’m so proud to know you, and so excited to see you grow up, Ronan.  Already, I know you are an amazing boy.  You think about things, really think about them.  You figure things out.  You like to see how things go together and come apart again.  When something doesn’t go right, or hurts you, you don’t just cry and leave, you get mad and determined.  You try it again, and do it right the second time.  You are so happy, son.  SO happy.  Everything makes you laugh, or giggle, or squeal.  Everyone that knows you, everyone that meets you tells us how sweet you are.  You are such a boy – you hit EVERYTHING!  And if you pick something up, you have to hit it against something else.  Your favorite food is Macaroni and Cheese, you laugh when you see us getting it ready.  You don’t really care for cottage cheese; you’ll eat it, but you aren’t too happy about it.  Some of your favorite snacks are cheerios and Yogurt, bananas, oatmeal, and avocado.  You are such a good eater.  I hope you keep it up.

I can’t wait for the next month, bug.  I don’t know what it has in store for us, but I’m excited for it.  Every day, I feel like you’re growing up too fast, but I love the little man you are growing into.  I want you to know, son, your whole life through – that even though mom and dad get mad sometimes, even though we might get frustrated or upset – we still love you more than words can say.  We are always proud of you.  We always want the best for you and more.  Nothing you could ever do would make us stop loving you.  And no matter how big you get, you will always be my baby boy.

Love,

Mum.

Today’s Worth A Thousand Words picture post is nothing more than a demonstration of Ronan’s beautiful blues.