The Pleaser.

Man.  This is another one of those blogs that has been floating around in my head for months now.  I’ve pictured it, and how it would sound in my head when I finally got it out.  Things like this never turn out exactly how I want them to, but getting it out of my head literally gets it off my mind.  And I stop worrying about it.  So here goes.

I have discovered something about myself that I’m not particularly proud of, and have worked to overcome it. I am The Pleaser.

It’s hard for me to describe what this means.  Really, I think it comes out of the desperation of always having to be the “new kid” every time we moved.  I went to 13 different schools before I graduated high school.  Think about that, really.  That’s more schools than there are years.  Multiple moves in one year, staying somewhere just long enough to feel comfortable before we’d leave, never getting established.  I’m not angry about it, I don’t think it’s ruined my life – quite the contrary, I find myself capable of adapting to new situations because of it.

But that want, need, desire to have friends and be liked has turned me into a person that will do whatever I have to do, whatever you want me to do… just so you’ll like me.  And I hate that about myself.

I want to be able to like what I like, and choose what I choose because I want to, not because I think it’s what you like.  I don’t want to impress you.  I don’t want to be ashamed of the music I listen to, or how I dress, or what I talk about simply because I care what you think.  I absolutely HATE agreeing with what you say when I actually don’t agree.  I don’t have to get something just because you thought it was cool.

Me?

I like country music.  I listen to top 40 radio.  I read fantasy and science fiction books.  I play video games.  I absolutely adore chick flicks.  I have no idea how to dress myself.  I have a shitty body image.  I require positive reinforcement and affirmation.  I’m good at sports, when I play them. I love to drive long distances.  I can’t dance.  I’m not cool, I can’t hold my liquor, and I have no idea what to do at a bar.  I don’t do my hair and makeup because I don’t like the time in to result out ratio.  I am entirely too competitive and jealous by nature.  I think I’m smart enough to be a doctor, but I chose to be a mom instead… I wont ever regret that decision.  I don’t think I’m a better mom than anyone else, but I don’t think anyone could raise Ronan like I can.  I’m proud of my family, and proud to be from Canada.  I miss having a Canadian accent.  I can’t justify spending money on clothes, so I rarely do.  I felt very good at my job as an obstetric sonographer, and I wish it were still a part of my life.  I love my husband more than words can describe.  I don’t regret the choices I’ve made in the past that have brought me here.  I wish I lived closer to my family.  I’m not that funny, but it makes me feel good when people laugh.  I write because it makes ME feel better, and I’m brutally honest when I do.  My house is never clean.  I have no idea, really, how to raise a child, and I’m just getting through it the best way I can.  I don’t like to try new foods.  I hate being teased, even though it’s ‘attention’.  I DON’T like to be tickled.  I used to love roller coasters, and now I’m terrified of them.  I talk too much.  I’m bossy.  Yes, I probably think I could do it better than you could.  I’m proud of myself for nursing as long as I have, and also for NOT listening to everyone who told me [insert advice here].  I can’t think of anything else to write, and that’s okay.

Whatever ‘me’ I have shared with you in the past, the real me wants you to know her.  I don’t want to please you anymore.  If you don’t want to be my friend because I’m not who you thought I was, then we probably shouldn’t have been friends in the first place.  It’s sad that I felt that I had to impress you, because I should have been stronger than that.  But now?  Now I just want to be me.

  • Stacy

    I have a shitty body image-

    How do YOU have a shitty body image? You’re so skinny and pretty! =)

  • http://www.starcraft-source.com Brock

    Yeah it is a little silly; yet somehow she manages it 😉

    I think she could manage another 15 to 20 lbs on them bones and still be a knock out.

  • WulfCry

    Your the dumbest smart person on the web I’ve met :))). I wish to have how you wrote about that, Its really envious. Whenever there is the moment to do it like you do for me its gone before my fingers hit the key or pen on the paper. This post I will remember for ever. You’r to harsh on yourself maybe its what makes you so self explanatory. Its like a talent a skill you’ve improved through the years with life , work etc.I could go on about it but lack coherence.GREAT POST.

  • Supa Beff

    I’m BOSSY TOO!

  • Supa Beff

    and Canadian….eh

    ha ha….f-off Captcha code!

  • Rosie (from highschool) :)

    I didn’t know you had been to so many schools. How long were you at Vanier? Also, I’ve always wondered about the so-called “Canadian accent” I lack the ability to hear. I’m pretty sure we don’t sound like the “oot and aboot” that is so widely used and joked about. What is definitive about it to you, as someone who has been on both sides?

    • http://www.tempestbeauty.com/about-this-blogger/admin/ Mandy

      I was at Vanier for 10th grade and 12th grade. I went on an exchange for 11th grade. :)

      And.. YES, there is definitely a Canadian accent… but NO, it doesn’t sound like oot and aboot. Canadians have a very musical quality to their speech. I can tell someone is Canadian within 2 or 3 minutes of meeting them. Even if they don’t ever say “Eh”, which they do. A LOT! The tone and inflection of the words go up and down during a sentence, whereas Americans typically use the same tone of speech until the end, inflecting a question.

      When Americans say “About”, it has almost 3 syllables to it… “A-bow-ut” When a Canadian says it, it’s very short and only has two. Really, almost sounds like “A-boat.” If you ever leave the country for a while, you hear it when you get back. :)

  • elaine

    love the ending.

    be who you want to be.

  • http://janusfiles.xanga.com Janus

    How did that old song go? “I gotta be me, I gotta be free . . . ”
    .-= Janus´s last blog ..I Want That T-Shirt =-.

  • Richard

    Hell yeah Mandy! You get em ^_-

    I have to say, you’re a lot cooler after that blog post. Keep it going, be you!

  • http://www.freckletree.com freckletree.

    shit, i’ll be your friend.

    and i’m proud to be.

    and i love you and yo baby.

    and you don’t ever have to try to please the martin-malone ladies. you’ve meant the world to us since day one.
    .-= freckletree.´s last blog ..Shit I write down and hit ‘Publish Post’ when I’m on the rag. =-.