I wonder how long I can stare at a blank entry page and have no idea what to write about.
For quite a while, evidently.
I do and I don’t want to write about stuff like this. On one hand, this is my blog and I feel like it should be fine for me to address any issue that I want to. On the other hand, I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about the crap that I vent about – it’s pretty typical to write about things when they’re bad, and forget to mention the really good stuff.
Brock and I have been in a terribly bad rut lately. I know that it happens, it’s happened before. We get into this place where we cant really stand each other. We have no patience, we don’t want to spend time together, and all we do is fight. I freaking hate it. I feel like I can do nothing right. Every day, he’s pointing out something to me that I’m not doing well enough, or that is pissing him off. My reaction is to strike back, tell him what HE’S been doing that is pissing ME off. Then we’re just mad at each other for the rest of the day.
Add to that the fact that Brock has been sleeping in the guest room, and we sort of feel more like roommates that are sick of each other than a married couple.
Speaking of the guest room. Brock was relegated there when I became tired of him getting pissed off at night when Ronan would wake up and cry… and it would wake him up. It’s hard enough to handle the baby and get things taken care of without trying to ignore the pissed off sighs and frustrated pillow adjustments from the other side of the bed. So I told him he could start sleeping in the guest room, and get as much sleep as he needs. Since we’ve begun this arrangement, do you know how many times he’s offered to take baby duty and let me get a good sleep? Two. There have been two nights in the last eleven months that I have been given a night off.
And now that I’m working myself up to it, do you want to know what REALLY gets my goat? (Because I wasn’t upset enough yet…)
Brock got a new PC for Christmas. You’ve heard about this one before. And he’s been gaming more and more lately. To the point that I’ve really started to get irritated. He’s on the computer more than he’s not. I don’t know how to freaking deal with it. I go to bed when I get sleepy, around 10 or 11 at night, and Brock will get on his computer. He’ll play until 2 or 3 in the morning… and then complain all the next day about how tired he is.
HOW TIRED YOU ARE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Wow, I’m so angry about this right now I’m having trouble thinking straight. He tells me that sleep isn’t as important to him as relaxing. He says he doesn’t understand why it upsets me so much. He seems completely unable to comprehend what I’m going through, and how he makes it worse.
I want him to see what it’s like to go this long with no sleep. I want him to feel the utter exhaustion and defeat you feel when you NEVER get any rest. I want to sleep every night for a week while he’s up with the kid every hour or so, and then tell him to his face that ‘I’m so tired.’ I want to watch with NO sympathy as he struggles to make it through the day, and can’t find the energy to get things done. I want to complain that he doesn’t pick up enough, that our house is a mess, that he needs to do the dishes more often, and make more home made meals so we’re not eating out so much.
Because I’m supposed to do all of that. And work. And raise a happy, healthy, well-balanced child. Without sleeping.
Sometimes I feel like, if I’m doing it all myself anyways, why don’t I just do it myself? Something’s gotta give.
It just has to.