It Has To.
I wonder how long I can stare at a blank entry page and have no idea what to write about.
For quite a while, evidently.
I do and I don’t want to write about stuff like this. On one hand, this is my blog and I feel like it should be fine for me to address any issue that I want to. On the other hand, I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about the crap that I vent about – it’s pretty typical to write about things when they’re bad, and forget to mention the really good stuff.
Brock and I have been in a terribly bad rut lately. I know that it happens, it’s happened before. We get into this place where we cant really stand each other. We have no patience, we don’t want to spend time together, and all we do is fight. I freaking hate it. I feel like I can do nothing right. Every day, he’s pointing out something to me that I’m not doing well enough, or that is pissing him off. My reaction is to strike back, tell him what HE’S been doing that is pissing ME off. Then we’re just mad at each other for the rest of the day.
Add to that the fact that Brock has been sleeping in the guest room, and we sort of feel more like roommates that are sick of each other than a married couple.
Speaking of the guest room. Brock was relegated there when I became tired of him getting pissed off at night when Ronan would wake up and cry… and it would wake him up. It’s hard enough to handle the baby and get things taken care of without trying to ignore the pissed off sighs and frustrated pillow adjustments from the other side of the bed. So I told him he could start sleeping in the guest room, and get as much sleep as he needs. Since we’ve begun this arrangement, do you know how many times he’s offered to take baby duty and let me get a good sleep? Two. There have been two nights in the last eleven months that I have been given a night off.
And now that I’m working myself up to it, do you want to know what REALLY gets my goat? (Because I wasn’t upset enough yet…)
Brock got a new PC for Christmas. You’ve heard about this one before. And he’s been gaming more and more lately. To the point that I’ve really started to get irritated. He’s on the computer more than he’s not. I don’t know how to freaking deal with it. I go to bed when I get sleepy, around 10 or 11 at night, and Brock will get on his computer. He’ll play until 2 or 3 in the morning… and then complain all the next day about how tired he is.
HOW TIRED YOU ARE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Wow, I’m so angry about this right now I’m having trouble thinking straight. He tells me that sleep isn’t as important to him as relaxing. He says he doesn’t understand why it upsets me so much. He seems completely unable to comprehend what I’m going through, and how he makes it worse.
I want him to see what it’s like to go this long with no sleep. I want him to feel the utter exhaustion and defeat you feel when you NEVER get any rest. I want to sleep every night for a week while he’s up with the kid every hour or so, and then tell him to his face that ‘I’m so tired.’ I want to watch with NO sympathy as he struggles to make it through the day, and can’t find the energy to get things done. I want to complain that he doesn’t pick up enough, that our house is a mess, that he needs to do the dishes more often, and make more home made meals so we’re not eating out so much.
Because I’m supposed to do all of that. And work. And raise a happy, healthy, well-balanced child. Without sleeping.
Sometimes I feel like, if I’m doing it all myself anyways, why don’t I just do it myself? Something’s gotta give.
It just has to.
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 10:08
Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. I would be a WRECK with as little sleep as you get. My daughter generally goes to sleep between 9 and 10 at night and sleeps until 9 a.m. She wakes up from time to time to eat, but since we cosleep, I don’t really notice much. Lately, she’s been waking up at 8, and it’s really thrown my body for a loop. So I can’t even IMAGINE going through what you’re going through.
I know there are two sides to every story blah blah blah, and I don’t want to badmouth your husband, but he sounds epically unhelpful. Ronan’s his kid, too, even at night. It’s just NOT FAIR for you to be taking up all the childcare slack. I know someone will probably comment and say that men need their time, men are just never going to help as much with the kids…and I’m calling bullshit. That’s making excuses for grown men who should know better.
I don’t really have any advice…I guess I’m just frustrated in solidarity with you.
Cate´s last blog ..Frugal Meatless Meals: Sweet Chili Lime Tofu
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 14:05
Well first off, if your not getting much sleep and hes complaining about being tired because he was up late playing games then yea smack him. He just needs to learn to keep that to himself lol.
The gaming thing I am going to have to completely disagree with you on. Brock did play a good bit for the first 2 weeks he got it. Past month I would have to say no. If Brock is playing a game, I am playing it with him as we generally try to get the 5 of us on to play together. He plays one MAYBE MAYBE two a night, this is usually less than an hour a day. He has been playing that hour after both you and Ronan are asleep usually(the past week that was the only time he was on). I don’t really see why him playing games after both of you are asleep should be an issue, aside from the fact he shouldn’t complain about being tired.
One of the things I don’t understand is the whole sleeping arrangement. I guess Ronan is sleeping in the bed with you, and his waking up during the night gets Brock grumpy because he has to go to work. So he is in the Guest room now. I guess my question is why isn’t Ronan in a crib so you two can sleep together? Sleeping with KJ is pretty important to me. I think that being in the same bed foster closeness between a couple, its kind of your private place to be together with no strings attached. You just relax and enjoy the closeness of being together. For me it is also REALLY hard to go to bed when I am mad at my wife, and vice versa for her. This usually means we try and work out any arguments before we go to bed, so that we don’t end up snuggling with a dead fish.
It seems like now Brock has been effectively kicked to the curb if he wants to get a decent nights sleep for work the next day, while the baby gets to snooze away with you in Your’s and Brock’s bed. If it were me I would say the kid goes in a crib and the wife and I keep our bed. But I don’t have a kid and I am assuming you have your reasons for wanting Ronan to sleep with you. I guess it just comes down to if its more important to you guys to sleep together or to have Ronan in the bed with you.
Remember I don’t have a child so my comments come from a different viewpoint. Also none of my comment was meant to place blame on anyone, merely my observations. Your both awesome in our book.
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 15:47
Hey sweet Mandy. Ok, I’m going to level with you: marriage is not the same after children. As much as people try to romanticize the idea of having babies – real, honest, mothers will tell you that is it the best thing/worst thing that has ever happened to them. Having children forces you to redefine all aspects of your relationship with your husband. There are two ways you can do this: the hard way and the really hard way.
The hard way is getting it all out there. Be honest, but fair. Be factual, but not petty. Talk with an open mind and heart. Be prepared to hear things that will be hard to swallow. Be prepared to make concessions with your dogma. Talk about the real issues; talk about equity and emotions. I affectionately refer to this as the “Comin’ to Jesus Talk”. It must be done. You cannot keep passing each other day after day without getting to the heart of the issues. Or you will have to deal with this the really hard way.
I don’t think the really hard way needs much explanation except that it ain’t pretty. Not that the hard way is a cake-walk, but at least it is controlled and expected. The really hard way creeps up and smacks you in the face so hard that your ears will be ringing for days. The really hard way can cause hurt feelings that take a long time to repair. The really hard way sucks balls.
Either way, at the end of the day, this much is true: You love Brock. Brock loves you. You and Brock love Ronan.
You guys will get through this. It won’t happen in a day, it’ll take some time and energy. Just deal with it soon before this becomes an awful festering wound.
xoxo
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 19:50
I’m with Stephany! Lay it all out there with Brock, and try to have an open, honest discussion without having a fight. (I know…that sounds so stupid).
Cate´s last blog ..Frugal Meatless Meals: Sweet Chili Lime Tofu
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 23:05
Cate –
I AM a wreck sometimes. A lot of times. That’s what makes this so hard, I think. But thank you SO MUCH for the unwavering support. That is exactly what I needed today. You made me feel a hundred times better. <3
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 23:17
Chris -
This is a tough one to reply on. We all make parenting choices that we never knew we were going to make once we have kids. I have always SWORN up and down that I would never let my child sleep in bed with me. I thought that was something bad parents did. You don’t know what you’ll do until you’re faced with the choice to do it. Ronan would cry and cry and cry… and then we brought him in to our bed, and suddenly we all started getting more sleep. Once the decision was made, we never went back. Brock and I have had SOME bad feelings towards co-sleeping, but mostly we’ve enjoyed it. Both of us. He will say the same. We try to make sure we find the time and energy to make up for the intimacy that is lost by having the baby in bed with us. I think we do a pretty good job. When you’re breastfeeding, co-sleeping is a natural extension of the need to not get up and out of bed four and five times a night. Brock knew that it wasn’t fair for me to have to suffer because I was the only one that was feeding Ronan.
Neither of us are really bitter about not sleeping together. I’m GLAD that Brock is getting sleep upstairs. I just get pissed off when he throws it away, and then throws it in my face by complaining about how tired he is. And I know you don’t feel like he plays much. I think I feel like I’ve said this before – he doesn’t play much compared to you guys that can play all that you want… but he does play a lot compared to what he used to. Compared to the Brock I’ve known, lived with, and married these past three years, it has been a massive increase. I’m just having a harder time adjusting to it than I thought I would. Having bad feelings about an ex- that used to do me the same way doesn’t help ><
Anyways. Thanks for your comment. It means a lot to me that you read, that you care enough to post, and that you're willing to have a discussion about things. We think you guys are pretty awesome too. SRSLY.
Tuesday, 2. February 2010 23:20
Jeeze, Stephany.
I read this the first time, and it made me cry. I just read it again, and it made me cry again. You are too beyond amazing.
Brock and I had a talk tonight. I think we made a lot of progress… and I think you’re right. It’s not fixing itself tonight, and we’re not going to be all better tomorrow. But the really hard way is something we’d both like to avoid, and I think we’ve been on the verge of it for a while now.
Thank you for writing, thank you for your support, and THANK YOU for being you. This, your words, helped both of us so much.
xoxo!
Wednesday, 3. February 2010 0:10
Well, I just read this tonight, and I’m glad that yall had a talk to get things out there and in the open.
But, man. I wish I had some profound advice to offer you, but I simply lack the life experience to offer either of you any. Especially being the youngest Brother, I always look up to the other two for advice on life situations.
I know the two of you love each other very much, and I’m praying that you’ll get through this. Just know that you two are both in my thoughts, and I hope you guys resolve this in the best possible way.