Sadness and Sleeplessness.

My first real blog post in a few days.

This will be fun.  My keyboard is broken because I spilled water on it yesterday.  Go me.

I have all of these things that I want to write about, and yet none of them seem important enough to say.

All last week, I experienced something so wonderful, so amazing it’s difficult to put into words.  Ronan had settled himself into a schedule where he would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm, then sleep until 2 am without waking, eat, and then sleep again until morning.  I can’t even begin to describe what that week was like for me.

And then we had a Birthday party.  I’m not entirely sure what screwed up the whole thing – whether it was the cake, or the excitement, or the missing of a nap – but the whole thing is screwed up.  For the 3 days since the party, he’s been a bear to put to sleep, and woken nearly every hour.  It’s like we’ve taken seven or eight steps backwards.  I’m trying not to be too upset about it; we’ve dealt with it before, and we’ll deal with it again.  It was just so frustrating to see some light at the end of the tunnel (or SLEEP, as it were) only to have it blink off.  I always figure every day is a new chance for things to go well.

I also have been considering going to my doctor to have a talk about depression.

It’s a funny thing, trying to figure out what’s going on in your head, and whether or not it’s normal.  I feel like I’m normal.  But I also feel like I’m never really happy.  I write all these posts about being lonely, and trying to get things together, and then I have a day like Saturday.  My house is filled with so many wonderful people, all of whom love me or my husband or my son (or even all of us!) and I realize there is no reason for me to be lonely.  I shouldn’t ever be sad.  I just look around and know that I shouldn’t ever feel alone.

So then… why do I?

I don’t remember ever feeling like this when I was younger.  I’ve sort of always chalked it up to being homesick and missing my family, but that doesn’t seem to hit the nail on the head either.  I think that means it’s time to talk to someone else about it, and find out what ‘normal’ really should be.

Because there is no reason for me to be unhappy.  I’m NOT unhappy.  But I always feel sad, and I’d like that to go away now.  I love my life, and I want to enjoy it too.

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  • Stacy

    I’m sorry he isn’t sleeping. ;( I’m having some sleepless nights also. It seems like whenever I get ONE kid down the other one wakes up. Anyway, I also feel the same way. I’m not unhappy….but I’m not happy. It probably has alot to do that we don’t get enough sleep. Hang in there!

    • Thanks Stacy. You are really right, it probably DOES have a lot to do with the lack of sleep >< I've been feeling better until today! I guess it's just bad days sometimes. Hope you and your two beautiful girls are doing awesome. 🙂

  • I think this line from BLACKEST NIGHT is something that you need to keep repeating to yourself at times like this:

    “All will be well.”
    .-= Janus´s last blog ..The Generosity Of A Stranger =-.

  • i was so happy to read this post, not because i’m glad you feel this way or anything like that, but because i feel like this all the time too – and it’s nice to know i’m not alone!

    one day i hope we feel truly happy, but ’til then i keep telling myself that realising that there’s not ever going to be a perfect stage in my life where the clouds are going to open up and all this happiness is going to shine through, but that i can be happy in every day life and right now. xx
    .-= Gemma´s last blog ..something in your smile says everything’s gonna be alright. =-.