Monthly Archives: May 2010

Ladies Night.

Posted on by
7

Oh man, I needed one so desperately badly yesterday.

I had made up my mind that I was going out, and I didn’t care whether or not I ended up alone.  I had to get out of the house, away from my crazy, and have a little ‘me’ time.  It’s been far too long.  I texted a couple friends, and let them know that I was going to be going to see a movie and inviting them to join.  By the time the movie rolled around, I hadn’t received a single reply.  That’s okay, I thought, I can do this alone.

I sat on a bench outside the movie theater and enjoyed the blessedly warm evening.  The sun was low in the sky, and everywhere around me people were happy.  I find myself looking at shoes when I people watch, wistfully wondering what those shoes would feel like, or what these ones would look like if I wore them.  I rated the dresses that I saw, wishing I could find a dress I loved as much in a store for myself.  I laughed at the exuberance of the kids going to see a movie, and smiled at their parents.

About ten minutes before my chosen movie time, my friend Nancy texted me and asked what I was going to see… if she snuck away from her baby girl and husband she could possibly make it.  I told her I was there for the 6:30, but would gladly wait till the 7 so we could see it together.  She told me she was on her way, and it suddenly became my ladies night.

What did we see?
Why, what else but Sex and the City 2.

I’m not going to spoil the movie for anyone, so don’t worry about that.  In the end, I was left feeling less satisfied than I was by the first movie, and yet it was still nice to see my old friends again.  Yes, I’ll admit that some of it felt forced.  And yes, there were parts of the movie that should probably have been left out altogether.  But there were also parts that meant a lot to me, as a parent, and parts that made me happy.  I laughed, I cried (a lot!) and I was glad that I went.  If you are a die-hard SATC fan, you will find enough good to enjoy the show.  Otherwise, you may be left wondering why you wasted 10 bucks.

After the movie, Nancy and I sat outside in the humid, warm air and talked.  For over an hour.  We talked about the movie, and life, our kids, being moms, making babies… it was so nice to just talk.  I can’t tell you the last time we were able to do that, children being involved and all.  It was actually the best part of my night.

I got in my car and headed home feeling light and refreshed – and resolving to do something like this a little more often, a little sooner than when I absolutely, positively can’t go on a second longer.

Get it out.

Posted on by
15

So, what do I do?

Do I continue this unannounced, unintentional posting hiatus?

Or do I attempt to write something while Ronan is upstairs, rolling around in his crib, clearly uninterested in taking a nap?

At least he’s not down here screaming in my face.

“No, no, no!”

I’m not even entirely sure where we went over the point that I felt like I couldn’t handle things any more.  How do I deal with the climbing, the ignoring, the misbehaving, the tantrums… without going crazy?  I try to be honest with myself and think that this may just be the way things are for the next few years.  I try to be optimistic and hope that he will move out of this phase in the next few weeks.  I try to enjoy the good moments while we have them, and let the bad moments slide by.

It’s not always that easy.

Please, go to sleep Ronan.

I can’t get anything done.  I’m wrong no matter what I do.  I feel stuck in the house, because taking him out in public when he’s like this is frustrating, embarrassing, and exhausting.  What do you do when your child smacks you in the face in the grocery line, and everyone sees it?

Do dishes Mandy?  Ronan stands at the baby gate and screams at me until I come back, or let him in the kitchen.  Let him in the kitchen then?  He eats the dog food, pulls pots out of the cupboards, sticks his hands in the trash, puts magnets in his mouth.  Can’t do dishes, have to police the child.

Dammit, Amanda.

This is really hard.  It busts my ass when people talk about how much easier things are now that their kid is such-and-such an age.  I’m sorry, it hasn’t gotten easier…  I’m not entirely sure that it ever will.

He’s screaming.  Not sleeping.

Get him up, I guess?  I’m never sure I’m doing the right thing.  And I’m tired of being told I’m doing the wrong thing all the time.

Woah Yesterday.

Posted on by
Reply

Yesterday was a bit of a crazy day.

We got up early a la Ronan on Vacation.  We hung out at the condo, and tried to decide what to do for breakfast.  With Ronan starting to get fussy around 9, we decided to pack up the cars, go for breakfast and head home.  By the time the cars were packed, it became obvious to us that Ronan wasn’t going to make it through a meal, and sitting to eat wasn’t worth the stress of a major meltdown.  Brock and I told everyone else we were just going to hit the road, and stop for something to eat along the way.  We had hoped, because he was so tired, that he would just fall asleep for some of the trip.

Nearly two hours later, he was still awake, and still yelling.  He wasn’t crying… there were no tears.  He was just yelling about having to be in the carseat.  I’m sure his bottom hurt – heck, my bottom hurts after sitting in a car for a few hours.  We took him into a gas station so we could fill up on gas, use the restrooms, and get some snacks.  After we reloaded, the major meltdown was caused by being forced to strap an unwilling toddler into a carseat that he never wanted to see again. I sat in the back seat with him as he cried for a while, until I gave him some white-cheddar popcorn, and then he snacked for a while.  I had hoped that me being with him would keep him company, but instead he just cried and asked “Please” over and over.

I gave him a sippy cup with milk, climbed back into the front seat, and within 15 minutes, he was out.  He slept the rest of the way home.

The second part of the trip was MUCH better than the first part.

After we got home, we did some major cleaning.  Our house had been a disaster when we left, and I wasn’t looking forward to coming back to that.  Brock cleaned the kitchen while I unpacked, cleaned the living room, vaccuumed, and did laundry.  I can now happily say that our house is tidy, and for once after coming home from a vacation I don’t feel defeated by the amount of work to be done.  I made a kick-ass dinner (sun-dried tomato alfredo pasta with chicken and asparagus) of which Ronan ate two huge servings(!) and then put him to bed.

All in all, it was a great trip, a great weekend, and a great yesterday.

… today, however, is a totally different story.  One for a different day.

What a Beach.

Posted on by
8

I just wanted to share a few of the amazing picture I’ve gotten at Folly Beach today.

Running full tilt towards the water.  Oh so innocent.

First experience with the ocean, just a little tide-pool.

Moments after his innocence was lost, and he fell face first into the water.

Ronan, after falling, decides to play in the sand instead.  He’s trying to convince this bird to let him catch him.

He had a blast chasing birds across the beach!

Taking some time in the shade, world’s happiest boy.

Mom and dad enjoying their vacation as well.

Grandad and his cool dude!

Curls = love.

This is Grandmom’s favorite.  Who doesn’t love the beach?

Mommy Guilt.

Posted on by
5

I’m going to go ahead and write this out, because if I don’t it will continue to sit in my head and fester.
Who the hell wants a festering brain?

Not me.

So.  It’s obviously no secret that Brock and I want to have another child.  We’d been trying since January, and 2 unsuccessful attempts later, I don’t know where to stand.  I want to be pregnant so badly sometimes it hurts.  I cry and cry.  I feel like it should be easier than this, like it was the first time around.  I feel like we should just keep trying, and eventually we’ll get it right.  It feels unfair, and painful.  I hate seeing everyone else having babies, even though I’ve been there already and am thankful.  I hate hearing all of my friends that have gotten pregnant again, even though I try so hard not to feel that way.  I hate trying to plan for events that will be occurring in the next year, not knowing whether or not I should expect to be pregnant.

And at the very same moment…

I can’t quell the guilt.

So, so, so very much guilt.

Why do I want another baby so badly?  Why isn’t Ronan good enough?  I don’t want to replace him, surely, or mistakenly believe that having another baby will make me happier.  Is my imaginary ideal of a perfect family so important to me that I can’t relax and live without getting pregnant for a while?  That the only thing I can think about day in and day out is whether or not I’m ovulating, and whether or not we should do it tonight?  How much insurance is going to rape us if we DO get pregnant again?  Not caring about the money because I want it so badly?

At the very same moment, I have this huge fear of having another child.  I’m terribly afraid that I wont love my second as much as I love Ronan.  I’m desperately afraid that my mommy-Ronan relationship will suffer because of having another.  I’m paralyzingly scared of being able to handle two much, much less than I’m able to handle my one wonderful son.  Because, let’s face it, sometimes I don’t handle him very well.

Will I work with two, or will I stay home?  Can we afford for me to stay home?  Is it fair to my family for me to want to stay home, despite the cost?

It crushes me, every single second, to think that I will never have another child.  Ronan will be an only.  He will never have a little brother.  Or sister.

It crushes me even more to think that I shouldn’t have another, that I’m being selfish for wanting.

And I can’t let go of the guilt.

I am.

Posted on by
4

I am sitting in my pajamas on the couch.

I am trying to pacify my son with snacks.

I am listening to Coheed and Cambria on Pandora radio.

I am regretting staying up too late last night.

I am not regretting why.

I am sick of doing the dishes.

I am excited about going to the beach this weekend.

I am not thrilled about the amount I have to work in the next 5 days for a weekend off.

I am tired, and considering a coffee.

I am in a rut.

I am missing my mom and dad.

I am at my wits end with my child… and then I find more wit.

I am in love with my husband.

I am enjoying reading again, just because I want to read.

I am thankful for sweet moments with my Ronan.

I am trying not to be jealous of all the happily pregnant women in my life.

I am simply being happy for them instead.

I am hopeful for the future.

I am conflicting emotions.

Today, it is enough just to be.

Today, I am.

Monday Is The Day…

Posted on by
2

…that I do nothing.

Really, nothing.

I just took nearly an hour to eat my lunch.  I read through my RSS feeder.  I chased Ronan around the room.

I  finally put on Cars for Ronan, and relaxed a little.

The part where they ‘tip cows’ is on, and it scares the crap out of him.  I end up skipping to the next chapter to preserve his sanity.  He really doesn’t like it.

Poor guy.

Anyways.

I should be doing laundry, and probably the dishes.  I could afford to shower, and also to get dressed in real clothes.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to pick up the toys in the living room.

But I don’t wanna.  I just want to sit here, and text my friends, and read some blogs, and feel sorry for myself.

It’s my Monday, and I’ll wallow in self pity and exhaustion if I want to.

Oh, and play with my Hipstamatic Camera App.