A Secret.

So many words in my head…

I don’t know exactly how to get them out.  I never know where to start.

You see, I have this problem.  I want to keep a secret.  And I’m terribly, terribly bad at keeping secrets.  Almost as bad as my mom, who frequently asks, “do you want to try to guess what I bought you for Christmas?  It’s really, really great!  You’re going to love it… … … Okay, I’ll tell you!”

I want to keep a secret, because after having two miscarriages, I’m not prepared for a third.  After experiencing the joy of finding out we were pregnant, and sharing the news – but then having to inform everyone of our loss afterwards – I feel like my legs were constantly cut out from under me.  I would be fine, no problem, happy until someone would look at me sadly and say they were sorry.  I was great, over it, moving on until someone would walk up out of no where and give me a hug.  I was getting on with my life until a lady in the check out line asked me how old my son was, and upon hearing he was 15 months proclaimed, “Well!  It’s time to try again!”

I was tired of being reduced to tears and the smallest of things.  I was tired of feeling that twinge of jealousy over friends that were finding out they were pregnant, or having babies.

So I decided to keep everything a secret.

Only… it’s on my mind.  All the time.  Every moment of every day, all I’m thinking about is my secret.  All I want to blog about is my secret, and related stories.  It’s all I can do not to shout my secret from the rooftops.

I told Brock last night that I can’t write, I have nothing to write because I can’t write about it.  His reply? “Well, then tell everyone!”

So here you have it:  I am pregnant.

Mom, I’m sorry you find this out here.  Jane, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you this weekend.  We were trying to keep it a secret!  To tell everyone once we were out of the first trimester, once we were out of the danger zone.  And then I realized… that’s not what I do.  I write about the good AND the bad.

The good.  Brock and I are pregnant again.

The better.  This time, we have a heartbeat!

The bad?  It’s been touch and go for a little while, with spotting and a subchorionic hemorrhage by ultrasound.

But I am seven and a half weeks pregnant, farther than I’ve gotten for sure with either of my last pregnancies.  I am sick as a dog, tired all the time, excited and feeling positive.

Please, keep your fingers crossed for us.  We’re hoping that this one sticks.

Also, if you work with me… outing this on my blog is the same as going public.  So feel free to talk about me behind my back.  Or to my face.  Whichever.

Facebook Comments
  • Congratulations!

  • Congratulations!

  • Congratulations!

    Does Ronan comprehend that he is going to be a big brother?

    Do you know if it’s a boy or girl yet?

    Keeping my fingers crossed. Just keep telling yourself, All Will Be well.

    • We’re still less than 8 weeks along, can’t tell gender until some time after 12 weeks.

      I don’t think Ronan has any clue what a sibling means, yet… with no words, it’s hard to tell what he can comprehend :/ But he’ll figure it out soon enough!

      Thanks, Janus. All will be well.

  • Leslie


    This is great news! I hope everything continues to go well. Super excited for You, Brock and Ronan!!

  • Lisa

    That’s amazing…congrats!!

    What do you mean by: “It’s been touch and go for a little while, with spotting and a subchorionic hemorrhage by ultrasound.” ?

    • Thank you, Lisa. 🙂

      When I said that, I simply meant that I have had some bleeding during this pregnancy, which is how my last two miscarriages started. Subchorionic hemorrhage is bleeding around a pregnancy, which is sometimes bad, but sometimes turns out okay. I just keep hoping things turn out okay. 🙂

  • Nancy

    That’s Awesome news Mandy!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is one of the hardest secrets in the world to keep-especially because it’s possibly the best news you could get! Congrates to all 4 of you!

  • Dee

    I’m very excited for you, Mandy! I can’t imagine all the emotions you must feel right now: joy, concern… but I’m here for you always, and I’ll be wishing and praying for the best for you! =)

  • If it helps any, I was almost four when my brother was born. I’m sure my parents told me that I was going to have a sibling, but I’m pretty certain I didn’t understand until after they brought him home.

    And I just realized that I’m becoming Saint Walker. Look to the stars — for Hope burns bright!