Avoidance.

Somewhere along the road that is my life, I have developed a terrible habit.

I am getting very good at avoiding things I don’t want to deal with.  It’s really not a very attractive trait in an adult.  I can avoid doing dishes, and laundry, and going to the grocery store.  I avoid answering the phone, and thinking about medical bills, and leaving the house.  So far, I’ve successfully avoided talking about or thinking about our upcoming trip to Canada, so as to stave off the inevitable panic attack.  Sometimes, I even avoid showering.  Yeah.  Yeesh.

I have become a self-inflicted shut in.  I save up all of the energy I have for my three 12-hour shifts a week, and try to survive every moment in between.  I am hoarding sleep like a pack-rat.  Any time I’m not sleeping, I’m thinking about when I’m going to be sleeping again, counting down the minutes and day-dreaming of my next nap.

My parenting skills have been lacking, and I’m thankful my son is pretty easygoing.  I’m grateful for my wonderfully understanding and helpful husband, who has been pulling his own weight as well as my own.  I’m ready to be over this, and as happy as I am that I am pregnant, STILL pregnant (9 weeks 2 days!) I can’t wait to get some normalcy back into my life.

There is hope, I believe.  I keep telling myself that as soon as I get out of the first trimester, I will have more energy.  I’ll be a better mom, better wife, better friend.  More grown up, more of a person.  I hope it’s true, I really do.  Because I’m actually getting kind of sick of myself.

  • Amanda

    Hey girl- hang in there! I remember sleeping thru my first trimester! You’ll get thru it. Look forward to a super fun Friday this week!!!

  • http://www.alotofloves.com Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)

    I had two high-risk pregnancies and I remember just existing through them. Not participating in life – just existing. My entire energy was so wound up in the stress of the well-being of the baby that I had no energy for anything else. It was an exhausting time. I hope things mellow out a little.
    Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog post ..Butterbeer Recipe Showdown- Which is Best

  • http://www.mybottlesup.com nic @mybottlesup

    i could’ve written this myself… you KNOW i’m avoiding shit right now. and quite frankly, i’m sick of myself too.

    *HUGS*

  • Mary Beth

    i’m an avoider, too. i like to call it procrastination, though. i read a book once that said most procrastinators were perfectionists. we don’t start things for fear they won’t be great. anyway, i am way off on this tangent now.
    so happy for you and the little heartbeat inside. you are growing a person while raising another and being a wife to another. you need to sleep. have to admit, i giggled a little about you wanting normalcy. good luck. tee hee
    did you go tour cmcc? what midwife did you meet?
    want to schedule a date sometime next week so i can get the peapod to you before your trip?
    sorry for all the questions. i have been a social media flakeout recently and saw you in my reader. yay!

  • http://janusfiles.xanga.com Janus

    How are you planning to travel? And is that going to be a problem for your pregnancy?

    Don’t worry, Mandy. All Will Be Well. (Paging Saint Walker.)