I’m Awesome.

“No you’re not, dude, don’t lie.”

I used to wonder when I would feel like when I finally became a significant blogger.  I had no idea that just any little no-one can have a stalker that tries to ruin their life.  All I can figure is that this person thinks I’m so awesome, they are overcome with jealousy and have to try to bring me down.  Let me fill you in on exactly how awesome I am.

I was married at 19 years old to a man I met on the internet, and divorced by 23.  Good choices.

I left my family and country behind because I thought I was making ‘good choices’ for myself.  I suffer from loneliness and homesickness every single day.  I live THOUSANDS of miles from anyone that loves me.  Who needs family?

My best friend and I didn’t talk for nearly two years because of my previous marriage.  Throw away the friends you’ve got.

I have suffered on and off with various image and eating disorders since I decided in 11th grade that I was fat.  I allow my weight to hover somewhere around dangerously-low, because I feel better about myself that way.  Shit, that’s healthy.

I wanted a baby more than anything in the world for as long as I could remember.  As soon as I had one, I realized I had no idea what I was getting into.  I prepared myself well for life.

I talk too much.  To everyone.  To anyone.  I have never met a stranger, and I annoy the shit out of some people.  It usually hurts to realize that people would rather you’re not around.  I know it, can’t change it.

I have a destructive impulse to correct people.  When someone says something or does something wrong, I will inevitably point it out.  I have been trying to curb this impulse for YEARS, and have seen only marginal improvements.  No one likes a know-it-all.

My mom has a beautiful voice.  I can’t sing.

I took dance religiously for years.  I can’t dance.

I battle depression again and again when I feel alone, isolated, out of touch.  I use my blog and twitter to grasp on to threads of connection.  Surrounded by people, and lonely.

My wardrobe consists of every outfit I purchased during my break-up and divorce phase when I spent whatever I wanted… and nothing since then.  The coolest clothes I have are maternity clothes, because they were given to me.  Not a fashonista.

Of all of the friends I have made since moving to Charlotte, I somehow find a way to not hold up my end of the bargain.  Short of losing friends, I lose the closeness I desire, and end up feeling lonely, wishing I had someone I was close to.  Who doesn’t know how to make friends?

I gave up a job I loved to work a schedule that would allow me to stay home with my son.  Now, that schedule drains the life out of me, and I can hardly handle my basic obligations – like housework and laundry.  So… I decided to have another kid.  Brilliant logic.

I don’t do my hair.  I don’t wear makeup.  I can’t be bothered to accessorize.  I’m lazy?  Or just plain useless.

I suffer from hemorrhoids.  Yup, I said it.  I have been battling constipation and poop problems for nearly 2 years now.  TMI? Whatever.

I am a horrible housekeeper.  I can’t keep a clean home to save my life.  I attract clutter and dust and animal hair, and I’ve never EVER won the battle.  I continually give up, only to try again and fail.  My house usually disgusts ME.

Yes.  I’m sure if I sit here all day, I can continue to find things about myself that are less than awesome.  I could probably fill a book.

But here’s what’s real:

I am a good tech.  I care about my studies, and I care about my patients.  My work holds up.

I write.  I love to write.  Some people love to read what I write.  It’s as much a part of my life as breathing, and I can’t give that up.

I’m honest.  I’m genuine.  I care (usually too much) about people.  I get hurt easily.

I do the very best I know how with my son.  I may not be the best mom in the world, but I am the best mom to him that I can be.  I believe that with all of my heart, and I don’t let others attempt to convince me otherwise.

I have made bad decisions in my life, but I am living my life to the fullest despite the past.

I have a wonderful husband, and an amazing, loving, supportive family.

I am just a person.  Not worthy of idolization, but honestly… not deserving of hate or derision.  I think it takes effort to find something about me worth actually disliking… and I’m not worth that effort.

Why would you make the effort?

Facebook Comments
  • <3 you!

  • Becca

    Oh Mandy, hang in there chica! I’m only a text away… if I can ever do anything to help let me know 🙂 I’m in the same boat as you on a lot of these topics. That’s why I love reading your blog so much, because you type all the stuff I’m afraid to say.

    You’re real. You’re honest. You pay it forward. I respect you for that, more than you’ll ever know.

  • Supa Beff

    i think it took a lot of courage to say these things…
    you really are a Great Role Model that a LOT of women can look ‘up’ to.
    hey, we are all fucked up and weird to some degree.
    me included.
    not that weird tho 🙂

    you know where i stand with how cool you are, right?

    hey Daddy Brock…give yo Baby’s Momma a Hug from Supa Beff.

    Good job kiddo.

  • Adam

    Mandy, there are tons of people that go through many of those things you mention above. Its called being human. You do the best you can with the choices you make, and you always do well =)

    “I have a destructive impulse to correct people. When someone says something or does something wrong, I will inevitably point it out. I have been trying to curb this impulse for YEARS, and have seen only marginal improvements. No one likes a know-it-all.”
    Fits for me as well. We get that from Dad, and I have a hard time keeping it in check too.

    I think you need to remember one of the first things dad taught us when we were old enough to know what it was to worry.

    “Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it really doesn’t get you anywhere”

    We love you sis, no matter the choices you make.

    ~Adam

  • Melissa

    Yeah… this is pretty much why I love you. A real person, wife, mom & caregiver. I can relate to the clothes and the mess and the general disorganization & uncertainty that life hands us. It’s real. Sometimes it sucks & sometimes it’s just another day in paradise. Whichever way you take it, it’s life & you’re not alone. Come back to NY & we’ll live in our yoga pants in our messy homes and work our crappy schedules & be blissful & miserable all at once. It’s life, love & living at its best & worst…

  • oh mandy, you’re probably the lovliest person on the internet. whenever i get into one of my internet gushing moods and start thinking about all the awesome people i would never have met if it hadn’t been for blogging you’re always top of my list. i think you’re a wonderful, funny, honest, caring person. and you’re always here for me. so i’m always here for you too. xx

  • tomorrow

    never alone but always lonely.
    hanging out, but you don’t know me.
    getting rich, or so they told me.
    a better life is what they owe me.

    on the road. it’s what i do.
    with nothing but my solitude.
    except, perhaps, my attitude.
    that tells me i’m still mad at you.

    you haven’t called in 20 days.
    i got my cell on just in case.
    all this angst is just a waste.
    it’s not you, but love i chase.

    so i take a shot and then get high
    to make me laugh instead of cry.
    because it takes the pain away.
    i don’t wanna change today.

  • RAGE ON GIRL, RAGE ON!!!!

    *standing ovation*

  • Just landed here from Mr. Daley’s blog. I must say this kind of honesty takes some guts. And you got lots. I know things are messed up with me but i don’t have guts to confront them.

    Reading this has been inspiring, maybe i’ll grow some guts too now 🙂

    Thanks!

    N

  • You sound pretty awesome to me.

    I don’t know why people go to any trouble to try to bring other people down. It’s really sad.

    Thank you for your honesty. This must have been a tough post to write.

  • Wow… thank you 😀

    This post is one that I am most proud of… it still stirs emotion in me. Thank you for reading!