Searching for Happiness.

I’m not happy.

What does it even mean to say that? How do I reconcile the fact that I am ‘happily’ married to an amazing man, with a beautiful son, have a rewarding career, a nice home and the ability to pay bills and put food on the table – but then say I’m not happy?

What does it mean to be happy? Where does happy come from? Why am I unable to find it?

For as long as I can remember, I have blogged about being sad, lonely, unhappy. I have always held something in my mind as the ideal solution to my problem; if I get a new car, I’ll be happy. When we finally get married, I will be happy. As soon as I get a new job, I will be happier. Having a baby will make me happy. I will be happy when I have friends.

But nothing ever changes. I am still me – wife, mother, ultrasonographer, friend – and I am still unhappy, trying desperately to figure out what is missing.

Only, I’ve come to realize that it has nothing to do with what I have or don’t have, want or don’t want.

So then… what is it? What will finally make me happy? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, that I am unable to be happy? I don’t understand. Maybe everyone else is unhappy too, and they’re just better at faking it.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what to try. A hobby? Living closer to my family? Going back to school? Anti-depressants? Quit blogging? Exercise? What do I do?

Both of my husbands have said these words to me: “Nothing ever makes you happy anyways, so why bother trying?” I guess it must be true.

I’m lost. And I don’t know how to find myself.

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  • Caroline

    If your husband was an amazing man, he would not be telling you to quit trying to be happy. Please consider trying therapy. I speak from experience that it really can help you learn to find happiness again. And it doesn’t necessarily mean anti-depressants, but it does give you an unbiased person to talk to. And you can speak to your therapist about other possiblities, like a hobby, school, or exercise. Please think about it.

  • Now now Mandy, I have never said those words 😉
    The closest thing I have said is “you aren’t happy”, or “getting xzy won’t make you happy”.

    I love you Mandy, happy or sad

  • I feel this way sometimes. By all rights, I should be the happiest person ever. I have a great husband, a sweet baby, I get to stay home with that sweet baby…but often I feel like something’s missing. And I don’t know what it is. Because I know that there’s nothing in particular that will make me definitively happy. Not more money, not more friends (okay, maybe more friends), not becoming super fantastically hot…you get the idea. 🙂 I generally end up just trying to ignore the feeling, but it almost always comes back.

    Soooo wish you lived closer!

  • Maybe you should keep this line from YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN in mind:

    “Happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.”

  • Anonymous

    You have it good, life could be worse. Enjoy the journey. The seeking of a thing is sometimes better than the finding.

  • oh my, i feel exactly exactly the same way.
    and i have no idea how to change it or any advice, but it makes me feel better to know that i’m not alone in feeling like this and i hope it makes you feel better that you’re not alone too 🙂 xx

  • Julie Anderson

    Hi Mandy,

    I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months now. I found it after I bought a Moby wrap for my new baby and could not figure out how to put it on (your youtube video really helped.) I enjoy reading what you have to say. Now on to my comment…if you are searching for happiness, have you and Brock ever tried going to church? Ask people where they go and try several out. See where you feel comfortable, make sure they are a bible teaching church, and just see what happens from there. You might find what you’re looking for.

  • Julie, why does it have to be a bible teaching church? I personally have no idea what Mandy’s religious beliefs are, but it seems odd to recommend a specific type of church at random…why can’t Mandy (if she wants to!) locate a church on her own terms?

  • Miranda

    I am so sorry you feel this way. As someone who is far far away from my family as well I can relate- many times I feel unhappy even though I am blessed.
    Happiness is something that encompasses so much. Maybe something is missing? family, friends, a baby girl, new job…etc etc….once you find that one thing or things I believe you will be truly happy!! 🙂 I will send my prayers your way for your journey to happiness!!!! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Hi Mandy,
    I’ve been through this exact same situation and have come to realize a few things that may help you like they have helped me.

    First, I personally don’t think a change in any way will truly make you happy, it may help but it won’t cure. It’s only temporary.

    I am not a religious person so I can’t say if that would help or not. It may help some people but it was not an option for me. People have suggested religion to me but they have always been deeply religious themselves and often feel religion is the answer to all of life’s problems.

    For me the best thing has been therapy and anti-depressants. While I no longer go to therapy through it I learned that the feeling I had was not situational and could not be fixed by change of any kind. Instead the suggestion was that it was a chemical imbalance. Whether that is true or not it got me to the next option which was anti-depressants. I don’t think they are an instant cure and may not be right for everyone but they took the “edge” off depression and got me feeling well enough to take other important steps to improve my happiness. It’s given me the motivation to look forward to every day instead of dreading it. I still have plenty of down days but I feel it’s moving me in the right direction.

    Not sure if this is of any help but I thought I would pass it along.

  • thinking of you.