Nightmare.

I know that when you’re pregnant, hormones can lead to some incredibly vivid dreams.

I had one last night that is sticking with me, and it was terrible.

I dreamt I was having contractions (and I probably was) while Brock and I were putzing around at home.  I don’t know why, but I decided to “check” myself, and found that I could feel the baby’s head.  I looked at Brock, all excited, and told him it was time!  We had to get to the birthing center!  Brock had to find someone to watch Ronan, so I left without him.

But somewhere, along the way to the center, I realized that I wasn’t 40 weeks, but actually only 20 weeks… and this wasn’t a good thing.  I was about to deliver a non-viable, premature baby.  I made a detour to the hospital, and went in to the ER.  I told them I was 20 weeks, and the baby was crowning, and I needed them to stop it.  They didn’t believe me.  Finally, a doctor checked me and said that I was right!  I needed to get upstairs!

There was a lot of to-do involved in getting upstairs, included filling out paperwork and a helicopter ride.  When I got there, Dr. Shaver was waiting for me.  He told me everything would be okay.  I cried with relief, I had never been so happy to see another person in my life.  They were going to put the baby back in, stitch my cervix closed, and we would be fine.  I knew we were going to be okay.  He said he would wait in the operating room, and I had to be cleared for surgery.  I was sitting at some sort of registration counter, panicking because I was having contractions, and one of the nurses told me to lean forward.  There was blood everywhere.  They told me it was my bloody-show.  All of a sudden, I was in full on labor, and it was terrible.  I was crying out in pain, and they wouldn’t give me anything… not even Tylenol.

In the end, I delivered the baby, and they whisked it away so I couldn’t see.  They told me it wasn’t too bad, it was just a zygote, and kept showing me pictures of 4 and 5 days after conception.  I cried and cried.  I knew they were lying to me… I had seen my baby.  She was whole, and fully formed.  She had fingers, and hair.  She wasn’t just a clump of cells.  And I had lost her.

I woke up feeling unsettled and upset, and the feeling didn’t get better until I felt the sweet baby in my belly move.

I hate how good dreams are always so fleeting and hard to remember, but bad dreams stick with us even when we want to forget.

Facebook Comments
  • Yikes! That is a scary dream. 🙁 I hate that unsettled feeling that lingers after waking up from a nightmare. Hope you’re feeling better!

  • Leslie

    The feeling of little kicks is very reassuring. I get nervous alot too, but then he kicks and I feel sooo much better! Hope you don’t have anymore nightmares!