I know that when you’re pregnant, hormones can lead to some incredibly vivid dreams.
I had one last night that is sticking with me, and it was terrible.
I dreamt I was having contractions (and I probably was) while Brock and I were putzing around at home. I don’t know why, but I decided to “check” myself, and found that I could feel the baby’s head. I looked at Brock, all excited, and told him it was time! We had to get to the birthing center! Brock had to find someone to watch Ronan, so I left without him.
But somewhere, along the way to the center, I realized that I wasn’t 40 weeks, but actually only 20 weeks… and this wasn’t a good thing. I was about to deliver a non-viable, premature baby. I made a detour to the hospital, and went in to the ER. I told them I was 20 weeks, and the baby was crowning, and I needed them to stop it. They didn’t believe me. Finally, a doctor checked me and said that I was right! I needed to get upstairs!
There was a lot of to-do involved in getting upstairs, included filling out paperwork and a helicopter ride. When I got there, Dr. Shaver was waiting for me. He told me everything would be okay. I cried with relief, I had never been so happy to see another person in my life. They were going to put the baby back in, stitch my cervix closed, and we would be fine. I knew we were going to be okay. He said he would wait in the operating room, and I had to be cleared for surgery. I was sitting at some sort of registration counter, panicking because I was having contractions, and one of the nurses told me to lean forward. There was blood everywhere. They told me it was my bloody-show. All of a sudden, I was in full on labor, and it was terrible. I was crying out in pain, and they wouldn’t give me anything… not even Tylenol.
In the end, I delivered the baby, and they whisked it away so I couldn’t see. They told me it wasn’t too bad, it was just a zygote, and kept showing me pictures of 4 and 5 days after conception. I cried and cried. I knew they were lying to me… I had seen my baby. She was whole, and fully formed. She had fingers, and hair. She wasn’t just a clump of cells. And I had lost her.
I woke up feeling unsettled and upset, and the feeling didn’t get better until I felt the sweet baby in my belly move.
I hate how good dreams are always so fleeting and hard to remember, but bad dreams stick with us even when we want to forget.