I hate myself for not writing, sometimes.
I hate myself for not being more thorough. I hate that I’ve told myself again and again that “I will remember this” and “no one wants to read this.”
Only, I write because I want to read it. I write because I need to get it out and get it down. Not because I want you to read something that you want to read.
I wish I could remember what I felt like with Ronan last time around. I wish I could pinpoint exactly how much he’d been moving, and what sort of things were difficult to do. I can’t recall whether or not we had purchased furniture for his nursery, or where we were in our name discussions. How were my clothes fitting? Did my nipples hurt this damn badly?
I don’t remember any of it, and I hate myself for not writing it down.
I’m having a hard time this time around too, and it kills me! I think about all of the things that I want to say, what I want to write, and how I’m feeling… but I never get it out.
So… here goes.
I am 21 weeks pregnant. I’ve got a pretty good little bump going on… as a matter of fact, this weekend one of my patients and one of my co-workers asked me if I was expecting! That didn’t happen with Ronan until I was in my 3rd trimester, so I was thrilled.
I’ve been having a ton of contractions lately. I had been surprised that I’d made it this far with one or less a day, but they are a whole different breed of contractions I had the first time around. Before, I had a tightening in my belly, barely noticeable unless I had my hand on my stomach. This time? This time, it’s as though my uterus knows what it’s doing. They hurt. They take my breath away. They make me close my eyes and remember how hard labor is. It’s been okay, though, because I’ve only had one or two a day… or less! Until this week. I’ve had more and more each day. I’m not concerned… I have been down this road before. They are just an annoyance, my body prepping itself for the big day. But this is the week that I started having ‘more’.
This little girl in my belly… she moves ALL THE TIME. I don’t remember it being this way with Ronan. I don’t remember feeling him move while I was driving, while I was trying to fall asleep, while cooking and grocery shopping. Sometimes I find myself getting irritated at whatever is twitching in my belly, and then I remember IT’S MY BABY, and I get a secret grin. No one gets to feel her move the way I do, and it’s such a special connection. I feel like she’s telling me that she’s going to come out running, and she’s not going to slow down. I already feel like she has a different personality than easy-going, laid back Ronan.
We don’t have a name picked out yet. We talk about it almost every day. We have some names that we like, and some that we love. We both feel very strongly about waiting to meet our little girl before we decide what to call her, just like we did with Ronan. I know it’s TERRIBLY hard to be patient and wait to learn what her name is… but we’re waiting to learn what it is too! I promise, we’re not just keeping secrets.
TMI warning… Nipples. If they would just shrivel up and fall off… and that would hurt less? Go ahead. I know they’re kind of necessary, but we can figure that out when it happens. I’ve never hurt so badly in my chestal-area before. Not even when I was nursing. Not even when we had yeast. I keep going back and forth between trying to wear nothing but loose fitting clothes to see if friction is the problem, to trying snug fitting sports bras to see if hanging free is the culprit. I can’t win. They just hurt. NO TOUCHING!
I feel like this is getting long. But anyways. I missed my 20 week Midwife visit because Ronan wasn’t feeling well, and have yet to set up a time to make it up. But I’ve been feeling great. I have put on between 5 and 8 pounds so far, and I’m just starting to get to the point where I feel like normal things are getting more difficult to do. I know days of great discomfort are ahead of me, but I’m kind of excited for those too. They all end the same way… with a brand new baby in my arms. I can’t wait. I smile as I write this... I can’t wait.
I am 21 weeks pregnant, and Ronan is 19 months old.