This is a really, really hard post for me to write.
Part of me doesn’t want to write it, but instead keep it secret and act like everything is okay.
I can’t keep on like this.
I took Ruby across the country to a specialist, advanced in his field to remedy a problem. He fixed her mouth, but he did not fix our problem.
My heart is broken.
Ruby still doesn’t like to nurse. She still gets angry, upset, frustrated. Only now, it’s because she doesn’t want the deep latch she is capable of. She wants the breast to sit in her mouth like a bottle nipple.
I can’t keep fighting her.
She uses both of her hands and pushes the breast away from her. She arches her back. She pulls as hard as she can until she is just sucking on the tip – then, and only then is she happy.
The pain is unbearable.
When I hold her hands down at her sides so she can’t pull, she screams. When I cuddle her close so she can’t arch back, she jerks her head off of the breast. When I move forward and reduce the space between us, she cries and stops nursing.
She doesn’t want the breast.
It has taken me a long time to come to this point. I have gone through a lot of hard work and heartbreak to get here. But I don’t want either of us to be miserable any longer. I haven’t cried all my tears yet, and each time I give her a bottle instead, more will fall. She is still my sweet baby girl, and I am still her mama. But nursing will simply no longer be a part of our relationship.
It hurts so badly.
I don’t want to give up. I want to believe it will get better, and she will suddenly realize she likes to nurse, and we will both be happy and nothing will hurt. I’ve been trying to believe it for four months. I don’t know how to believe any more. I don’t know what is wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I just want to enjoy my baby.
Starting today, I’m going to pump milk for my daughter. I will continue to pump until there is no milk left. I will pump for as long as she wants milk, and make sure she is always satisfied.
But I give up.
We will no longer nurse.