Blog It Out.

I’ve been blowing up on Twitter, and several people have made the suggestion to “blog it out.”  I think it’s time.

I am not having a good go of it.  Nothing has gone well for a long time now, and it’s getting overwhelming.  I am twelve weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an international vacation.  I flew with my very young children to Canada to spend some time with my parents and to “get a break” from it all.  It hasn’t, unfortunately, been much of a break.

One of the things I greatly underestimated was how difficult it would be for my children to adjust to SO many changes all at once.  Different place, different people, different sleep schedule, different beds, different food.  Seriously, so much.  And every single person here is so in love with them, all they want to do is get the chance to spend some time with them.  I don’t blame them, these kids are great.  But it is so overwhelming.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to a 3 year old brain.  The tantrums have been epic.  He is lashing out, and I’m safe, so he lashes out at me.  I understand it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sleep has been at a premium, and no one is getting any.  Ronan has been unable to settle himself and has been awake until after 10pm every night.  Waking before 6am.  And I have been Losing. My. Shit.  Over and over again.  I think I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I have hope that once we get home – to a shiny, spanking new house that Brock has been moving us into while we’ve been gone – back to our beds and our routines and our life, that things will get back to normal.  That bedtime wont be a struggle, and I wont have to worry about what Ronan ate today.  That we’ll spend less time fighting and more time playing.  That I wont feel so guilty about being such a terrible mom ALL OF THE TIME.  I’m ready for that kind of change.

Ronan having a bit of a grumpy… week.

Ruby’s first chocolate cookie.  Hey, it’s vacation.

  • KaylaWoods

    You’re absolutely not a terrible mother EVER! Vacations are hard with babes. You’re a saint!!

  • Rosie Macdonald

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. You’re right that all those changes can’t be easy on anyone. The big thing I took from this post, though,is you’re 12 weeks pregnant??? Congratulations! I think I remember a pregnancy test being posted on April Fool’s Day butI never imagined it was the real deal! Yay for new babies. And this lucky one gets to have you for a momma!

  • Janus

    You’re pregnant again? Congratulations! So you’re going for one of each?

    I can tell Ruby loves the cookie. I’m guessing you have a budding chocoholic on your hands.

    I suspect that this trip was overwhelming for Ronan because it was the first time. I’m guessing that the next one will be less traumatic for him (and you).

    Just remember, All Will Be Well

  • Anonymous

    I am going to post something unpopular. I don’t know you, but I’m sure you realize your blog is open to strangers who fall down the internet rabbit hole. I went back and read some of your twitter – I neither blog nor tweet – and I would advise you to find some time to find a counselor or therapist before you have this 3rd child. Your “hatred” of your son (your words, not mine) is totally over the top. You are doing this to him – plucking him out of his environment (it will probably not get better fast when you get home, as he will not be in what he considers home). You also continue to dote on your baby (she’s cute – its understandable) while telling the world that you don’t care about him and hate him. You are projecting your own frustration and irritation and lack of control on to him, totally understandably and totally inappropriately. Get help. 3 will not be easier than 2.

    • Mandy A

      Thanks! I’ll tell my therapist you recommended her!

  • Cardinalred3

    Totally and completely agree with saguch. I somehow ended up reading your stuff because of friends of friends of friends on twitter, and don’t know why anyone would openly state that they are “sick of their children” when months earlier trying to conceive a THIRD child. If you’re going to continuously rag on people who sleep train and (your words) “block people who sleep train from your facebook news feed”, as if you as a mother are far beyond them, and can’t see what the lack of sleep in your ENTIRE family is doing to your family, I would most definitely advise you to seek some kind of counseling. Have you ever thought maybe your sons crazy behavior is a reflection of your crazy? Think about it.

    • Mandy A

      Thanks! Appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion!


    • Cate

      If you’re a parent, and have never been sick of your children (or their behavior) for even one moment, then I really, really want to know your secret. And I bet the rest of the world does, too.

  • Jackie

    I’m sad people are judging you for the little they have read in one blog post. As someone who knows you, knows your journey, has more than one child, and can totally relate, I can only send reassuring words. There are times of exhaustion and frustration that I think “I hate my child”, but I know I don’t mean it. I hate the situation, I hate being frustrated, I hate being tired. People shouldn’t judge you based on the tid bits they read in one post, they should take what you say as releasing some frustration and be a little more empathetic.

    • Mandy A

      Thanks Jackie. I love you. <3

  • Anonymous

    Her son (my nephew) does not have crazy behavior! He is a sweet, happy and amazing little man! People have no right to judge him as having crazy behavior when they have never met or interacted with him. If you ask me he is wonderful and a delight to be around. *hugs for Ronan and Ruby* both little angels!!!

    P.S. Cardinal go fuck your hat!
    (Mandy is more polite then I)

    Aunty Lee

    • Mandy A

      Lee?? Have I told you yet today how much I love you??! <3 <3 <3

  • Guest

    Hate is a strong word. Just remember the internet is forever and your kids may find this stuff. Not only will he see you saying you hate him, but telling the world you do. Children are frustrating, but don’t confuse hate for frustration. I know you don’t hate your children as you seem to a be caring and loving mother and genuinely good person. Don’t say something you don’t mean and cannot take back. In years to come you’ll look back on this time and probably tell Ronan how much of a handfull he was and maybe even laugh about it. I’m not criticizing you or your blog/stress relief. We are in a brave new world where what we write is open to billions of people and the ability to erase something has been taken out of our hands thanks to websites that archive every site/blog/tweet (especially those) on the net. If you wouldn’t say what you write directly to him, i wouldn’t put it out on the net.

  • violetsouffle

    Oh Hun, motherhood is so hard. It’s even harder when people drag you down instead of support you. Much love to you&the littles. Let me know if you need anything I can help with. And good on you for ignoring the ugly comments. If you figure out who they are, be sure to let us know #block

  • Cate

    Mandy, you are absolutely one of the sweetest mamas I know. Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about your kids finding stuff like this when they’re older. By the time they’re savvy enough to look for it, these times will be long past, and surely they won’t hold your temporary frustration against you. They’ll remember (and cherish) the way you treated them and spoke to them. Much better to let it out on twitter than explode at your kids, you know?

    You’re doing great. <3

  • Janus

    After reading a couple of comments on this entry, it is taking every bit of my willpower not to go all Red Lantern on them. These morons have apparently not bothered to read the entries where you are doting on both Ronan and Ruby. I’m not on Twitter, so I’m just guessing from context that the past couple of months have been a little stressful.

    From what I have seen, you are a great mother. And even if you have been less than your best recently, just remember that what you’re going through now will get better. And listen to Cate; it sounds like she can be the voice of sanity when needed.

    Remember what I always say? Just keep repeating it as necessary.

    • Mandy A

      Thanks Janus. You’ve been around here longer than just about anyone – you’ve seen it all. I really, really appreciate your support. And you know what I know?

      All will be well. :)

  • Angela

    I’ve been thinking a lot about this post and I want to say something supportive, but, as we’re strangers, it might sound trite. I think reaching out, online or in person, is crucial, otherwise we just sort of drown. I’m apart of this mom group and the question was asked what we wanted for mother’s day and if that was possible for our families/mates to do for us. One of my friends said she just wanted a day off from being a mom and I thought it was so great she could honestly tell us that; how overwhelmed she is, how undervalued she feels, how she feels she’s lost herself. I think moments like that keep us parents sane, the ones where we can just be broken together and then go back to the routine, better somehow from feeling seen/heard.

    I know reaching out always leaves room for people to hurt you, but I applaud you for saying it. I hope you are getting the support and love you need and I hope your story helps other people feeling the same but unable to emote it.