I’ve been blowing up on Twitter, and several people have made the suggestion to “blog it out.” I think it’s time.
I am not having a good go of it. Nothing has gone well for a long time now, and it’s getting overwhelming. I am twelve weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an international vacation. I flew with my very young children to Canada to spend some time with my parents and to “get a break” from it all. It hasn’t, unfortunately, been much of a break.
One of the things I greatly underestimated was how difficult it would be for my children to adjust to SO many changes all at once. Different place, different people, different sleep schedule, different beds, different food. Seriously, so much. And every single person here is so in love with them, all they want to do is get the chance to spend some time with them. I don’t blame them, these kids are great. But it is so overwhelming. I can’t imagine what it’s like to a 3 year old brain. The tantrums have been epic. He is lashing out, and I’m safe, so he lashes out at me. I understand it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Sleep has been at a premium, and no one is getting any. Ronan has been unable to settle himself and has been awake until after 10pm every night. Waking before 6am. And I have been Losing. My. Shit. Over and over again. I think I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation.
I have hope that once we get home – to a shiny, spanking new house that Brock has been moving us into while we’ve been gone – back to our beds and our routines and our life, that things will get back to normal. That bedtime wont be a struggle, and I wont have to worry about what Ronan ate today. That we’ll spend less time fighting and more time playing. That I wont feel so guilty about being such a terrible mom ALL OF THE TIME. I’m ready for that kind of change.