When I Become a Good Mom

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my life.

I have found myself parenting my four children in less than ideal ways.  I’m not the mom that I think I should be, nor the mother that I think my children need.

But instead of changing, I keep telling myself about the day when I will finally ‘become a good mom’.

I keep looking at my kids and thinking, “It will all be okay when I become a good mom.

When I don’t yell so much.

When I don’t cuss.

When I never spank.

When I am patient and kind and calm.

When I enjoy doing crafts and activities with my kids.”

I keep looking forward to this day, as some magical point in the future when I wont struggle so much, and being this great mom comes easily to me.  I keep looking at it like it’s just around the corner, and I just have to survive until we get to that day.

But shit.  There is no magical day that I become a good mom.  I am me, and this is the mom that I am.  My struggles and challenges are not going away.  Things are not getting easier.  No more diapers or less messes or fewer needs are not going to magically make me more patient, calm and kind.  My struggles will not go away until I address them, wholly and completely.  It has to happen today.  And every day.

If I don’t want to yell, I have to stop yelling NOW.

If I don’t want to spank, I have to stop spanking NOW.

If I want to be kind, I have to start being kind NOW.

No one can change this but me.  It is not on anyone but me.

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