My first real blog post in a few days.

This will be fun.  My keyboard is broken because I spilled water on it yesterday.  Go me.

I have all of these things that I want to write about, and yet none of them seem important enough to say.

All last week, I experienced something so wonderful, so amazing it’s difficult to put into words.  Ronan had settled himself into a schedule where he would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm, then sleep until 2 am without waking, eat, and then sleep again until morning.  I can’t even begin to describe what that week was like for me.

And then we had a Birthday party.  I’m not entirely sure what screwed up the whole thing – whether it was the cake, or the excitement, or the missing of a nap – but the whole thing is screwed up.  For the 3 days since the party, he’s been a bear to put to sleep, and woken nearly every hour.  It’s like we’ve taken seven or eight steps backwards.  I’m trying not to be too upset about it; we’ve dealt with it before, and we’ll deal with it again.  It was just so frustrating to see some light at the end of the tunnel (or SLEEP, as it were) only to have it blink off.  I always figure every day is a new chance for things to go well.

I also have been considering going to my doctor to have a talk about depression.

It’s a funny thing, trying to figure out what’s going on in your head, and whether or not it’s normal.  I feel like I’m normal.  But I also feel like I’m never really happy.  I write all these posts about being lonely, and trying to get things together, and then I have a day like Saturday.  My house is filled with so many wonderful people, all of whom love me or my husband or my son (or even all of us!) and I realize there is no reason for me to be lonely.  I shouldn’t ever be sad.  I just look around and know that I shouldn’t ever feel alone.

So then… why do I?

I don’t remember ever feeling like this when I was younger.  I’ve sort of always chalked it up to being homesick and missing my family, but that doesn’t seem to hit the nail on the head either.  I think that means it’s time to talk to someone else about it, and find out what ‘normal’ really should be.

Because there is no reason for me to be unhappy.  I’m NOT unhappy.  But I always feel sad, and I’d like that to go away now.  I love my life, and I want to enjoy it too.

As a mom, I have come to question why sleep equals good parenting.

Why do people so often meet a new baby and immediately ask, “Is he/she sleeping through the night yet?”  I can’t count the number of times I fielded that question before Ronan was two months old.  I didn’t even hope that he would be sleeping full nights at that point, I was surprised other people thought he should be.

See, for me, sleep is something kids need help to learn to do.  And parenting a child to sleep isn’t all that terrible.  Yeah, getting up at night really sucks, but what part of being a mom is about making MY life easier?

To get back to my point.  I hate the fact that so many people associate whether or not a child sleeps with the quality of parenting.  I want to take a stand here, because I have a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy.  He’s sweet, and funny, well behaved, smart, and growing like a weed.  By all accounts, he’s wonderful.  My friends love him, my family loves him, my sitter loves him… even when he was in daycare, they were constantly telling us what a good boy he is.

But.

He doesn’t sleep.  And therefor, my parenting skills are suspect.  I must be doing SOMETHING wrong, and so I am probably doing EVERYTHING wrong.

You know what makes me feel better?  The friends that I have that ALSO didn’t listen to convention that have three and four year olds that still wake in the night.  The parents that DID cry-it-out and still have trouble getting kids to sleep sometimes.  Sleep is not easy, and there is no quick fix it… not one that I’m willing to employ, anyways.

My problem, and all of my complaints about Ronan’s sleep have never had anything to do with the fact that he would wake at night.  It has always been about the WAY he would wake up, and how he seemed to be in such terrible pain.  Ronan has been on Prevacid for over a month now, and the night wakings that included screaming have stopped COMPLETELY.  Sure, he still wakes up.  But he wakes up, and rolls around a bit, and can be put back to sleep.  That is all I’ve ever wanted.

This blog is all disjointed and has no flow because I just got up from my two midnight shifts.  My brain hasn’t officially moved back into gear yet.  But really, here’s what I want to say:

If your baby sleeps through the night, it doesn’t make you an amazing parent.  I don’t think more highly of you simply because you get sleep.  I think you probably lie about the amount of sleep you get because you think you should.

If your baby does NOT sleep through the night, it doesn’t make you a horrible parent.  You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to lie about sleeping habits to impress people.

We, as moms, have this need, this terribly desperate desire for the positive affirmation of our parenting choices.

It’s only natural.  We want others to approve of what we are doing with our children.  We want validation, support, compliments – anything to help us feel like we’re doing a good job.  That feeling comes so rarely, and is so incredibly powerful when felt.

Because, lets face it, being a mom is really hard.  It’s really hard to make all sorts of decisions without ever knowing what the final outcomes of your choices will be.  It’s incredibly difficult to decide on a path that you would like to take despite all of the opposing arguments you hear around you.  You will ALWAYS hear opposing arguments.  It doesn’t matter what choice you make.

The thing is, every single choice that you make is the right one.  And at the end of the day, the only person you have to prove that to is yourself.  If you can look at what you’ve done with your child, how you’ve raised him or her, the choices that you’ve made and the actions that you’ve taken without feeling guilt or remorse, you have done well.  It doesn’t matter what your next door neighbor did, or what your mother-in-law thinks you should be doing.  It shouldn’t bother you when someone criticizes something you have chosen to do, because they do not have to live with the outcome.

And here’s the real kicker of it all.  We ALL want to tell other moms what they should be doing, because if someone does the same things we did, it somehow means – in a round-about way – that it was the RIGHT thing to do.  If it works for more than just me, it must be right, right?  So sure, I’ll look at what you’re doing wrong and say, “Oh, we did this.  You should try it.”  Fully expecting it to work for you as well as it worked for us.  But your kid isn’t my kid.  And your style isn’t my style.  And JUST because it worked for us does NOT mean it will work for you.  When it doesn’t work for you, you’ll think less of my parenting skills, and be less likely to look to me for advice again.  Then, in the future, when someone asks YOU for advice, you’ll tell them what YOU did, fully expecting it to work, and feeling bad when it doesn’t.  Here’s a secret I’m going to let you in on: it probably wont work for someone else.

I have been in situations where I’m willing to listen to ANY advice that is given, hoping to finally fall upon the one little piece that works.  And when someone asks me for advice, I give it.  Every time it doesn’t work, it makes me seriously hesitate to give out any other advice.  I hate that feeling, like you’ve let someone down.  But I always tell myself that just because it didn’t work for them doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing for us to do.

So, here’s a question for you.  If you give formula, and your sister gives breastmilk, and your cousin gave whole milk too early, and your neice-in-law never gave cereal, and your mom says she would never have let the baby get that old without putting cereal in her bottle, and your aunt on your dad’s side says that you’re spoiling your child because you hold her while you feed her, and your co-worker only gave a vegan diet… which one is right?

That’s it.

They all are.

YOU are right.  And you need to STOP listening to what they’re telling you is wrong, but you also need to STOP looking at other people and thinking their way is inferior to yours.  Because it’s not.  It’s right up there beside yours on the “it’s right for us” table.  Your right to do exactly what you want goes hand in hand being mature enough to let others do what they would.

I am proud to baby-wear, co-sleep, breast feed,  glad that I never gave cereal or purees, don’t use strollers, and can’t let my child cry it out.  That is what is right for ME.  I hate it when someone tells me something I’m doing wrong.  But I realize that they just want me to do it their way because that was RIGHT to them.  I think the hardest part of being a mom is realizing that your way isn’t the universal way, and that is okay.

Oh, and to all my formula feeding, stroller loving, cereal-in-the-bottle, sleep training mommas – I love you for what you do.  Be proud of your choices and decisions.  Because.

You.

Are.

Right.

If you let your baby Cry-It-Out, don’t read this link.

Otherwise, I think this is a very beautiful, powerful, well written post.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Let Her Cry.

One of the things they tell you when you start changing things is to only change one at a time.  That way, you’ll know what it is that you did that caused the improvement.

I never listen.

We started Ronan on his reflux medicine, but around the same time I started trying a new ‘going to bed’ method.  It’s the one where I lay down next to him, and I MAKE him stay laying down, but I don’t help him fall asleep at all.  There is a little bit of fussing, a little bit of crying, but no rocking, singing, nursing or anything.  He just has to go to sleep on his own.

The first night, it took an hour.  The second night, it took 20 minutes.  Last night, it took 2 minutes.  And his sleep stretches have gotten as long as 5 hours.  You know, for us, that is as good as 12.

I don’t know what’s made the biggest difference.  We’ve noticed a big reduction in the amount he’s been refluxing, and how upset he gets when it happens.  Maybe it’s a combination of both.  All I’m hoping is that saying this out loud wont jinx us.

Please, don’t let it jinx us.

**I just put Ronan down for the night, and it took him about 30 seconds to fall asleep.  Holy moly, YES!  Also, I started using “California Baby” soap products tonight because of eczema and a nagging skin rash he’s had for a while.  Lets see if we can FIX everything.**

Edit: 10:09 pm.

Ronan is still awake.  He woke up after about an hour.  He has been up since then, despite all of my efforts.  Nothing ever gets better.  Nothing improves.  I should probably just let him cry it out, because that would probably be better than the impulse I have to hold a pillow over him.  What the hell did we ever do to deserve this?

Have you noticed something has been missing lately?  Have you kept track of how long it’s been since I wrote a blog about Ronan’s sleep habits?

Well.  That is because we didn’t want to jinx a good thing while it lasted.  I was afraid to blog about how great Ronan has been, because I thought, like speaking a wish out loud, it goes away when acknowledged.

I guess it doesn’t matter either way.

For the past three weeks, Brock and I have been living in a state of partial bliss.  Ronan has been going to sleep easily around 6pm, and staying in bed until morning.  Now, don’t get too excited for us… he hasn’t been STAYING asleep.  He still wakes every couple of hours.  But when compared with him staying up until nearly midnight, this has been a HUGE accomplishment!  He’s also been going RIGHT back to sleep after every wake period.  There have been TWO HOUR NAPS!   Simply amazing.  Brock and I had some alone time.  We watched some movies from start to finish.  We had the chance to enjoy each other… without rushing.  And we felt like perhaps we’d made it over the hump.  Maybe things would look up from here on out?

Wow.

Could we possibly have been more wrong?

I know I’ve said this before.  I know I’ve always said, “At least it can’t get any worse than this.”

I must be tempting fate, really.

For the last week, now, Ronan has been an absolute bear.  All day, fussy and grumpy.  All night, waking and screaming.  Crying every hour.  Unable to be consoled, and unable to fall back asleep on his own.  Trying to GET him to sleep is an absolute nightmare.  Without changing ANY of our routine or habits, he now stays up and fights sleep until 11 pm.  Naps are difficult, frustrating, and short.  We’re right back in the snarling pit of exhausted hell.  What changed?  Hard to say.  Is he teething again?  Growing pains?  Developmental leap? Is there any way to know?

We have an official diagnosis of GERD – Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease – and have started treatment of Prevacid.  It takes 2 weeks for the medicine to kick in and make a noticeable difference.  Could this have been the problem all along?  Should I have stuck to my guns, and fought harder to prove that his problem at night isn’t just behavioral?  I can’t beat myself up.  We’ve done everything we possibly can.

I hope this is just a passing phase.

I might die if it isn’t.

At my house, anyways!

Brock gave me my present last night.  It was a sleeping pill.  And a free night off from the baby.
I slept in the guest room, where I took my little blue Unisom pill, and a bottle of water.  I laid my head down at 8:30pm, and I didn’t rise to the surface of my slumber until 5:30 this morning.  I think the pain of needing to pump woke me – I’ve never gone 9 hours without nursing or pumping before!  So I came downstairs, pumped, and then got back in bed with Brock and Ronan, where I slept for another two hours.

I feel like a million bucks.

I wish it was Christmas every day.

No post yesterday.  I didn’t feel up to it.

Today, however, is pretty great.  I had this huge outpouring of support from my “unattainable dreams” post, it that has made the biggest difference.  I can’t even begin to say.  I want to reply to every single comment, and that would be silly to do in comments (I don’t even know if people have noticed that I always reply – does it notify you?) so I’m going to do it here in my post.

Also, I installed a captcha plug-in to stop SPAM messages, but it stops people from being able to comment.  If you can’t comment, email me at mandy at tempestbeauty dot com and let me know.  I will try to get it fixed, perhaps try a new captcha thingy.

In other news, this is how yesterday went.

Nap from 10 am until 12pm – 2 hour naps… SO NICE for mum.

Nap from 2pm until 3pm – 50 minute nap is typical.

Nap from 5pm until 6pm – Kept him up longer than usual, and let him have a short LATE nap.

Bath, lotion, story at 8:30pm – Nearly an HOUR later than his usual bed time.

Sleep at 9pm.

He woke up at 10, and fell right back asleep.  Woke at 11 and nursed… but DIDN’T GET UP.

He woke every 2-3 hours to nurse, but he stayed in bed ALL NIGHT.  I consider that a success!!  A small one, but success none the less!

Now, on to the replies.  They will come in order.

Kristin:  First of all, I love you and I miss you.  You really should come visit me and meet my son.  Soon please.  Where are the crackers??  Anyways… we have tried skipping naps before… seems to make him more tired, and harder to put to sleep.  Brock thinks it works, I think it doesn’t.  We’ll have to try it again.

Lindsay W:  I can’t even tell you how right you are!  And how much your support means.  Thank you.

Stacey:  We went through a few weeks of trying to figure out if it was medical, and the doctor eventually told us he thinks it’s entirely behavioral, we’ve spoiled him, and that we just need to let him cry it out.  I don’t, however, take parenting advice from pediatricians, only medical advice.  I take parenting advice from parents that have the same parenting attitudes as I do… and well behaved kids.   I’m glad to hear it gets better… at least I still have that to look forward to.

Alena:  We tried the later bedtime!  We’re gonna try it again tonight, see if it continues to work.  Thank you!

Holly:  PLEASE keep reading and commenting!  It’s MORE than okay!  This is EXACTLY why I’m doing this… to help other moms realize that parenting problems are universal, and to get help with problems that I have.  Thank you SO much for what you’ve said.  You made my heart feel better.  I LOVE that Kai still comes to sleep with you… and I will be totally happy if Ronan does the same thing.  I imagine those early morning cuddles being one of the best parts of your day.  And, yes.  Last week was amazing.  I couldn’t remember how amazing it felt to have that much sleep every night.  Brock and I even stopped bickering over stupid things.  I miss it already.

Beth:  Of course you are right.  Sucking it up is a learning process… and I suck at it so far.

Gemma:  You are totally awesome.  I started doing that the other night.  It makes him scream, and get mad, but I just have to be more stubborn than he is.  Once we lie down, we’re down for good.  It’s been working

Wulf:  Thanks.

Cate:  We’re trying!  You’re right, I totally miss those few hours… but, again, you’re RIGHT!  We weren’t getting them anyways!  We were just battling.  Guest room… yeah.  Sometimes I don’t mind.  Sometimes… I could spit.

Michelle:  I just love you.   Thanks for understanding so well.  I really needed the judgement free support.  You are exactly right… sometimes you just need to vent, and it doesn’t help to get trashed on for doing it. Brock is such an amazing daddy… he just doesn’t seem as able to deal with the shitty stuff.  But he steps up to the plate when it’s his turn.  And I love him for it.

Dahnya:  We have an unusual situation… because Brock DOES work M-F 8-5.  So he has to get up early every morning.  And when I work, I work Saturday and Sunday overnight shifts.  Which means that 2 nights a week, Brock DOES have to deal with the baby.  Alone.  Because I’m at work.  And the shitty part of that deal is, the two nights that he’s dealing with the baby where I could POTENTIALLY get some sleep, I’m at work instead.  So I never get those two nights of great sleep, and he still feels like he’s working his crapper off with the baby.  I can’t be upset, because I know how hard it must be for him when I’m gone – at least when I’m home and dealing with the baby, if it gets to be too much, I have him there to help.  He doesn’t have that.   He also doesn’t agree with crying it out, and I’m thankful for that.  Most of our parenting choices are made together, and we stick to them together.   Thank you for your support.  So much.

And really, in the end, just THANK YOU to all of you.  You are so amazing, and so supportive, and I don’t know how I could make it through some days without knowing there are people out there who just care.  Thank you.