Category Archives: Things

The Day I Lost My Innocence.

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I know what you’re thinking, and NO, this isn’t a post about that.

On my drive to work last night, I thought about a few things that I’ve been meaning to post about for a while now.  I get these ideas stuck in my head, and I have this urge to get them out but just never blogged enough to get around to it.  My posts usually ended up being pissed off rants about something horrible that’s happened, or a depressed recounting of my horrible day.

But I was thinking about how incredible it is that I can remember the exact moment I lost my total innocence, and how the world around me became a darker place.

My dad and I were sitting in the living room of our house in Smithers, B.C.  I was probably about 9 years old, and we were watching TV and talking.  Dad and I talk all the time.  He’s probably the smartest person I know, and I credit him for not only my intellect but my desire to constantly be better than I am.  I can’t remember exactly what we were watching, but I know some sort of commercial came on about a program on the second world war.  Now, up until this point in my life, I had firmly believed that people were good – the whole world was good.  I knew about war, and murder, and all of those bad things… but they didn’t happen any more.  We, as humans, had grown past all of that.  I knew that.

I remember asking my dad why Hitler did all of those bad things.  I remember saying, “People were really evil back then.  How long ago was that war, Dad?”  I clearly remember thinking the number 500 years ago in my head.  Dad replied, “World War II was about 50 years ago, Mand.”

What?  50 years ago?  Grandpa was alive?  People let this happen?  Hitler killed all of those people just 50 years ago?

I couldn’t get a grip on it.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I cried myself to sleep that night, and it took me weeks afterward to get those thoughts out of my head.  Suddenly, everything in my life seemed a little darker.  The world I lived in was no longer essentially good, and that was a hard thing to let go of.

It’s sort of sad… after that moment, no single thing I learned about the way the world worked seemed all that bad.  Compared to the evil of murdering millions of people, the rest of the bad stuff was really just sorta bad.

I look at Ronan, and so desperately want to protect him from that moment.  I want to hold him close, and keep his innocence, his child-like wonder intact.  But to be quite frank, I think it’s probably a bit of a miracle that I made it all the way to nine years old before mine was taken away.  I suppose I should just hope that he makes it that far as well.

I Just Want To Cuss.

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Upon deciding that I would create a ‘real’ blog, I also decided that it was important for me to commit to writing every single day.  That is one of the few things that has been missing in my previous endeavors as a blogger.  And then, I always get to the point where I’ve had a horrible day, and I don’t want to write, and I have to do it anyways.

Could you hear the whining tone?

But I’m going to write anyways!  Since today has actually been a great day, despite getting in a huge fight with my husband over absolutely nothing. Ronan had his second chiropractor appointment, and it was amazing.  She adjusted his neck again, and he just lay there and let her do it!  It was as though he knew that it was going to make him feel better.  We came home and immediately had a 2 hour nap.  One of the best one’s ever.  And I got SO much done!

I have some ideas for this blog.  Some quite stolen from other blogs, and some semi-original ideas.  I want to write letters to Ronan.  I WILL keep them separately, but put them up here.  I also want to post old blogs from my Xanga – I think I’ve written some amazing things, and they shouldn’t just die in the Xanga archives.  I’ll try to intersperse them with regular blogs.  I also want to post pictures that I’ve taken, as you may have seen.  Most of all, I would like for my writing to improve, and the only way for that to happen is just to simply write and write and write.

Have I ever said before that I love Sandra Bullock?  Well, I do.

The Real Day One.

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I have created my very own blog.
It is still in its infancy.  I get to sit here, on the floor in my living room with my laptop on the couch seat, and work on my project while my son is napping.  My son, by the way, is Ronan.  The worlds most wonderful baby, that is actually quite horrible sometimes.  Right now, I need to get my layout, design ideas and everything together.  I want to get some advertisements on my page.  Ugh.  (I know, right?)  But the idea is that perhaps, someday, my writing and my passions will allow me to be a stay at home mom.

I love to read blogs.  Other people love to read blogs.  Why not mine?

I took Ronan to the chiropractor today.  My husband, Brock, thinks chiropract-y(?) is a racket.  We’ll see.  If he sleep better tonight, then maybe it will have been worth it.

On with the blog ideas.  I’m going to post pictures regularly, because I LOVE to photograph my son, and just about everything else in my life.  I’d like to touch on topics that are serious, as well as blabber on inanely about my day.  We’ll see how it turns out in the end.