Rope.

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No sleep. And no patience. And no energy.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a bad momma, and a bad wife, and a bad housekeeper. I’m tired of being a bad friend.

I can’t remember ever having a day as bad as today. I love my kids, I do… but something has to give soon, before I have a mental break.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to move beyond this. I feel like we’ve sought help and asked all the right questions, and nothing changes. I feel like there is something wrong and no one is noticing. I feel like this is NOT NORMAL, and everyone keeps brushing it off as normal.

Ronan is not a normal kid. He’s sweet, and funny, and kind… but he also is very strong willed, and doesn’t ever want to veer from the path he has chosen. He has no regulatory ability, which means when he starts getting over-excited, he can’t calm himself down. When he’s over-excited, he loses his ability to discern what may or may not be appropriate, what may or may not be safe. He becomes very dangerous, to himself and others. But he doesn’t see it, and he can’t calm down. He also has no inhibitions. You can’t interrupt his “go” mode. If he is in the middle of reaching out his hand to touch the hot stove, it doesn’t matter how hard or loud you yell, you can’t interrupt the process once it’s in motion. He’s always immediately sorry afterwards, he genuinely regrets his action – but he’s unable to stop once he’s pushed play.

I feel like we have tried everything possible for sleep. Earlier bed times, later bed times, melatonin, different blankets, different rooms, different lighting, chiropractic care and reiki. We’ve tried skipping naps, longer naps, more physical activity, less TV, letting him stay up in his room until he’s tired, leaving the door open, letting him sleep with us… we have really tried everything short of drugging the kid.

Ronan’s occupational therapist believes that a night-time disruption of this nature is likely neurological. It’s not behavioral – he’s not rebelling or being awful – he can’t help it. With all of the other systems that he seems unable to regulate, it doesn’t seem like a stretch that he’s also unable to regulate his sleep cycle.

Moving forward, we’ve had some blood work done to find out if there’s anything physical going on (like low iron, or environmental factors.) Ronan’s OT is recommending a neuro consult. I guess that’s where we go from here.

To top it all off, Ruby is coming into her own. She has figured out that she is in control of her own body, and we can’t force her to do anything. She wants what she wants, and any “no” is met with an all out, back-arching, tonsil showing mega-fit.

Pregnant mama with no sleep is at the end of her rope. There is no more rope. We have exhausted all rope.

Please send rope.

Sans Sonogram.

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You know it’s been a long time since you’ve blogged when you’ve gotten a blog request.

Kids are working out their own problems in another room.  That’s a good skill to have at a young age, right?

Anyhow.  I’m now 19 weeks pregnant with our third child.  And we aren’t finding out the gender.  As a matter of fact, we aren’t having any ultrasounds at all.  Here’s why I’m blogging about this:  not only does it seem to bother people that we don’t want to know what the gender is, but the fact that I’m an ultrasound tech means that others don’t believe that I can go 40 weeks without scanning myself.

There are just a few things: first, Brock and I have agreed that there are very few true surprises in life.  This is one we want to get to experience.  We already have a boy and a girl.  We’re ready to find out at the moment of birth what our third child is.  I couldn’t possibly me MORE excited for that moment!

Second, there was an ultrasound at 5 weeks to make sure there was a heartbeat.  There was a heartbeat.  There hasn’t been a single other scan since then.  It has been 14 weeks since then, and the urge to look has all but gone away.  I feel plenty of movement, and know in my heart that things are going well.  The longer I go without scanning, the easier it is.

Third, I understand that I work in a hospital, alone, at night and I could easily scan myself without anyone ever knowing.  (*of course I would NEVER do that because it’s against the rules!)  But here’s the thing – I don’t have anyone’s expectations to live up to but my own.  And the only person that would be disappointed by my breaking down and scanning would be me.  I am the one that wants this, therefore I am the one that will ensure it happens.  There will be no scans.  Period.

At nearly half way through this pregnancy, I’m going strong.  I feel good.  I’m happy, powerful, and ready to birth another child.  I’m ready to breastfeed again.  I’m ready to hold a newborn and smell that smell and hear those sounds.  I’m ready.

Not tomorrow, you know… but in about 20 weeks.

First Trimester.

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I am a few short days away from the end of the first trimester of my third pregnancy.

I have found every moment of this pregnancy unusual.  From the moment I had a positive test and wasn’t sure if I was excited or upset, to the lack of nausea, to the pretty typical energy level I’ve had – nothing has felt like my first two pregnancies.

I haven’t complained.  I’ve considered myself pretty lucky.  Besides hormones making me cry like a baby every few days minutes, and feeling more short-tempered than normal, I haven’t had anything TO complain about.

And yet, suddenly, I feel like the last several weeks are catching up to me all at once.  Today, so nauseated that I couldn’t stand the idea of food.  Today, so exhausted that the idea of arguing with my 3 year old over whether or not we were going to go on a car ride reduced me to tears.  Today, so sure all I want to do is be in bed.

Maybe I’m going to have a terrible second trimester to pay back for this fantastic first one.  Maybe it’ll get me in my third.  All I know is, today I want to be in bed.  Until tomorrow.

Ronan is 3 years old, Ruby is 15 months old, and I am 12 weeks pregnant.

Blog It Out.

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I’ve been blowing up on Twitter, and several people have made the suggestion to “blog it out.”  I think it’s time.

I am not having a good go of it.  Nothing has gone well for a long time now, and it’s getting overwhelming.  I am twelve weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an international vacation.  I flew with my very young children to Canada to spend some time with my parents and to “get a break” from it all.  It hasn’t, unfortunately, been much of a break.

One of the things I greatly underestimated was how difficult it would be for my children to adjust to SO many changes all at once.  Different place, different people, different sleep schedule, different beds, different food.  Seriously, so much.  And every single person here is so in love with them, all they want to do is get the chance to spend some time with them.  I don’t blame them, these kids are great.  But it is so overwhelming.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to a 3 year old brain.  The tantrums have been epic.  He is lashing out, and I’m safe, so he lashes out at me.  I understand it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sleep has been at a premium, and no one is getting any.  Ronan has been unable to settle himself and has been awake until after 10pm every night.  Waking before 6am.  And I have been Losing. My. Shit.  Over and over again.  I think I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I have hope that once we get home – to a shiny, spanking new house that Brock has been moving us into while we’ve been gone – back to our beds and our routines and our life, that things will get back to normal.  That bedtime wont be a struggle, and I wont have to worry about what Ronan ate today.  That we’ll spend less time fighting and more time playing.  That I wont feel so guilty about being such a terrible mom ALL OF THE TIME.  I’m ready for that kind of change.

Ronan having a bit of a grumpy… week.

Ruby’s first chocolate cookie.  Hey, it’s vacation.

Oral Motor.

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Just a head's up... there are changes coming.  Be on the lookout!

Last week, I took Ruby to a feeding specialist (an occupational therapist that specializes in infant feeding and sucking issues) and had her evaluated.  I was introduced to her by a mutual friend, and thought it sort of a last-ditch effort in my desire to not have to wean Ruby.  Nurse Nice or Quit has been leaning heavily towards quit.

Within minutes of entering the room with this woman, it became readily apparent that she knew her stuff.  The first thing the mentioned, upon seeing Ruby smile, was that her top lip had no muscle definition.  She asked lots of questions and played around with Ruby, eventually doing an evaluation on her mouth.  We were there for nearly two hours.

In the end, we discovered that Ruby has a myriad of oral motor issues.  In addition to her lack of lip muscle definition, she has no central tongue groove, which should be present very early on.  Ruby also still has her ‘buccal fat pads’, which should go away very early on.  During the evaluation, Ruby didn’t seem to be able to “lateralize” her tongue (move it to the sides), nor did she appear to have any gag reflex at all.

The OT showed us a bunch of stretches and exercises to do with Ruby, as well as giving us a “Nuk” brush to stimulate her tongue with, and encourage the development of her central tongue groove.  She asked us to do the stretches/exercises three times a day for three weeks, after which we would have a follow up evaluation and make a plan of action.

I can confidently say that after a few exercise sessions, I have seen a difference in Ruby already.  She is moving her tongue more, using it to push her food around.  There is a hint of a central tongue groove developing.  I can’t say anything about her buccal fat pads, but just continue to do the stretches that should help them to resolve.

As far as breastfeeding is concerned, the OT and I discussed and agree that Ruby’s behavior towards the breast is probably exactly that – just a behavior.  It may be one that was created out of necessity due to her oral motor deficiencies, but it is one that continues because that is “normal” for her.  We will continue to pursue the resolution of her issues, but it may not solve any of our problems; that will have to be something we un-learn – or don’t – on our own.

 

Nurse Nice or Quit

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Ruby and I are still nursing.  So very badly.  Every time she nurses, I hate it.  One time out of twenty is tolerable, and even then it’s pretty awful.  See exhibit A.

Exhibit A (Warning: video contains lots of boobage.  Not nice boobage either.)

 So I’ve decided I’m making a last ditch effort.  Ruby loves to nurse.  She asks to nurse.  She cries if I end the feeding, and pulls at my shirt.  We’ve come SO FAR I don’t want to end things without giving it my full efforts.

We’re going to try to correct her behavior.  I have been relentlessly pulling her hands away and asking her to “nurse nicely.”  I’ve also made an appointment with a feeding specialist.  She’s a friend of a friend of mine, and comes with the HIGHEST regards.  She works with babies, she works with breastfeeding, and she sounds like our best chance of fixing whatever aversion Ruby has to nursing normally.

If we can fix this, we will continue nursing.  If Ruby refuses to change her behavior, my efforts to prevent her from hurting me will probably lead to weaning anyways.  People have continually told me that a mother and baby should nurse for so long as both want to continue – I don’t want to continue like this.

So we’re going to nurse nice or quit.

Adjusting.

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My oh my.

It has been 22 days since my last blog post.

I find it so frustrating when I go this long without blogging.  I find it to be such an outlet, and don’t realize how pent up I’m getting with thoughts and ideas and… blogs.  Until I stop, sit down, and write again.  I remember how good it feels to write.

Our whole family is in this massive adjustment period right now.  Things are changing all around us, faster than we can keep up.  We all feel a little off our center, helter-skelter, trying to come back into balance.  Brock started back at work a few weeks ago, and he’s full time.  I mean… FULL TIME.  I am lucky if I see him before work, and he hasn’t been back before dark yet.  He has had to adjust to not getting to see the kids during the week.  We have had to adjust to no daddy.

A hundred times a day, “Where’d daddy go?”

“He went to work, buddy.”

“Oh, work.” (Pointing at himself,) “Me work?”

It’s sweet and heartbreaking and over and over.  We’ve found ourselves more often at the park, or “pay-ground.”  Trips to the Library (finally!) and playdates with friends.  Going out is tought, but staying home is tougher.

As we look forward and prepare for the coming months, there are more adjustments in store.  Ronan will be graduating out of the CDSA Speech program, and start receiving services through the school system.  Ruby will be turning one… and walking any minute.  I will be switching my work schedule from midnight shifts to day shifts.  And we may – hopefully, breathlessly – be moving out soon.  We have been so incredibly blessed to have this home, this family to stay with.  So incredibly lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents (in-laws, as it were) that allow us so graciously to squat while we get things sorted out.  But it’s stressful for everyone, and the return to normalcy will be a welcome change.

So much change.  Change is good.

Goodbye 2011.

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I wanted to write this on Sunday, but not much ever gets done on the weekends.  So here goes.

My 2011 wrap-up of major events:

  • Ronan played with Fox in the snow.
  • I fell down the stairs.
  • Ruby Kate was born.
  • Ronan turned 2 years old.
  • Ronan was evaluated and found to have a severe speech delay.
  • Our family became gluten, dairy and soy free.
  • Ronan began speech therapy.
  • Ruby and I, experiencing breastfeeding troubles, traveled to Albany, NY to see Dr. Kotlow.
  • Brock, Ruby, Ronan and I moved in with Grandmom and Granddad.
  • Beautiful summer days were spent swimming out in the lake.
  • I learned to crochet.
  • Ronans speech ability and vocabulary began to grow by leaps and bounds!
  • Ruby began doing the ‘inchworm’ crawl.
  • I took an IBCLC course to become a Lactation Consultant.
  • Brock and I, after a rough patch, saw a marriage counselor and found it to improve our relationship immediately.
  • Brock interviewed for a job at Lowe’s Corporate – and got the job!
  • Ronan had a dental check-up that found 3 cavities.  BOO.
  • Everyone went up to the cabin for Thanksgiving.
  • Our whole family enjoyed a wonderful, loving Christmas and look forward to a promising new year!

No car wrecks… no major health crises… no disasters.  Even though we feel like this has been the worst year of our lives, we may look back only to find it has been one of the best.

2011 was rough, but I have the feeling 2012 is going to contain great things.  I can’t wait to see what they are.  I hope you stick around to see them with me.

<3.

My Top 11 of 2011.

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So, the year is winding down.  Sweet Sarah over at naptimemomtog.com is part of a giveaway – link up with your top 11 pictures of 2011 and you have a chance to win!  It’s not a photography contest, so anyone can win regardless of their skill level.

I’d like to believe that I’ve made some huge photographic strides in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed going through my pictures to pick my top 11.  Without further ado, and in chronological order, here they are.

Jan 8, 2011 – 34 weeks pregnant with Ruby.  This counts as a favorite picture of my kids… because I say so.

Jan 10, 2011 – Ronan’s first snow.

Feb 27, 2011 – Three week old Ruby Kate.

April 8, 2011 – This boy has fun!  I love the action, the grin, and the bokeh!

June 10, 2011 – I finally started playing around with backdrops!

July 7, 2011 – Ronan playing in my blankets… the light was perfect!

July 25, 2011 – Beautiful Ruby Kate!  I love her eyes.

August 26, 2011- This shot was an accident, I framed, looked away and then shot.  But I LOVE it.

August 29, 2011 – ROLLS.

Oct 18, 2011 – Family portraits at Carrigan farms.  This is possibly my favorite picture of all time.

Nov 16, 2011 – Sweet Ruby, 9 months old.  And lovely.

Check out some of the other submissions at naptimemomtog.com – and wish me luck!  I’ve had so much fun taking pictures of these kids this year.  I can’t wait to see the collection for next year.

 

Naptime Momtog