Tag Archives: Ancient History

Mandy 101

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I’m too tired to write today.  I hate that.  But long ago, after I had a featured blogger article show up on Xanga, I got over 200 subscribers in one day.  (For the record, I still don’t have that many readers today.)  I wrote a Mandy 101 to kind of introduce my readers to who they were following.  This is it.

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My name is Amanda, but I have gone by Mandy my entire life.  Amanda is sort of like a sweater that I like, but doesn’t really fit me.  I put it on for a little while, but eventually I take it off again because it chafes in some places.  I am twenty-three years old, and my birthday is in June.  I’m the youngest of three, with two older brothers.  My childhood experience is one I would wish upon anyone.  We didn’t have lots of things;  we had lots of love, lots of fun, and lots of our parents’ time.

I grew up in Canada as a “usual girl.”  I have never been the popular type, and I started out as a rough tom-boy (which thankfully didn’t last!)  And while I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t make lots of friends easily, I make friends that last through just about all of it.  My best friend, Crystal, shared a crib with me when we were babies.  Even now, we fight… but we also laugh, and cry, and can’t live without each other.

I was married at 19 to my ‘sweetheart’.  I moved to the states to be with him, and to go to school.  I’m going to pass quickly and easily over this part, because there isn’t much to say.  While I was finishing my last few months of school, (we were separated by a few hours drive) he told me that he didn’t want to be “married” anymore, because he had come to enjoy the single life.  I found out much later that he had actually found someone else.  We are now divorced.

I don’t say it quickly because it is still painful, or because I can’t stand to talk about it.  It is just sad.  Things went wrong, but I also believe we are pushed in directions that are painful to us because we need to grow.  I still love my -in laws very much.  Dee will always be one of my closest friends and always my sister.

I now live in North Carolina with my boyfriend Brock, working as an Ultrasound Tech.  We’ve been together just over eleven months, and will celebrate our first anniversary next month.  This is where it becomes difficult.  I have enjoyed happiness beyond anything I had ever known, joy beyond imagining, love without bounds since Brock and I found each other.  Why the lonely post then?  I miss my past.  I miss my mom.  I miss my dad, and my brothers, and my niece.  I miss Lianne, and my cousins.  I miss my grandma.  I miss Crystal and Daisy!  I even miss being picked on all of the time by ALL of them.  (I’m an easy target.)  At the end of the day, the love I have for Brock, and the life we are creating together is more than worth all of it.  And he as told me many times that he would gladly move back to Canada with me if that’s what I wanted.

Together, we have a puppy named Flint, a kitten named Wash, a house, two cars, two jobs, and lots of fun.  I read a quote in one of the comments from earlier that said, (paraphrased) “If you have days when you are blue, then by design, you should also have days that are the brightest of yellow.”   Brock is my bright yellow.  He’s my rock, my friend, my cinnamon swirl toast in the mornings.  He’s a wonderful man.

This needs to draw to a close.  I love to do Ballet, but haven’t found a studio in North Carolina.  I love to read books (David Eddings, Dave Duncan, Dennis L. McKeirnan, James Patterson, J.D Robb!)  I enjoy watching movies (Try Amelie if you’re up to it) and listening to music.  Maroon 5 has been my earbug lately.  I like to be active, Brock and I work out every day at 5am.  I love my job, my patients, my co-workers.

And I love to write.  So here we are.

Ancient History: Just Me

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Here’s another Xanga blog from back in the day.

I find it incredibly interesting to see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve changed.  When I go back and read my writing, I am usually pleasantly surprised.  I usually enjoy my own work far more than I remember liking it when I wrote it.  However, the difference between that Mandy and “me” is immense.  More than what can be put into just a few words.

It’s nice to have a little proof that I’m still growing, still changing, and still getting better.

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Xanga – 7/28/2007

I’m going to share with you one of my biggest fears.

I have generally found in life that the more I get to know someone, the less I like them.  The people I meet and like more and more every day are few and far between.  However, my fear is not that I wont find people that I like, or that I will always begin to dislike them the more learn about them.

My fear is entirely self-centered.  I am a little ashamed to admit that, but it’s true.  There is something about “me” that seems to attract people off the bat – I’m bright and friendly, I’m upbeat and sweet.  I can come across as smart, and funny (I’ve been told these things…)  but for some reason, whatever spark people seem to see in me that make them like me so much on first meeting… it fades.

I find myself not wanting to allow people to think highly of me.  I find myself trying to convince people that I’m not everything that they seem to think I am.  I find myself on the verge of yelling, screaming, shouting that I am just me. I am just me.

I know this comes from the hidden fear that if someone expects very highly of me, I can do nothing but let them down.  But I look inside myself, I look in the mirror, I examine my daily interactions, and I do not find myself to be worthy.  I do not deem myself fit.  There is always a part of me that disagrees when I am given a truly wonderful compliment.  I am just me.

I see a young girl that tries to be too thin, and can’t usually find happiness with her body.  I see a woman with far to much of her father’s cynicism.  I see a daughter with far too much of her mother’s ability to worry.  I am thankful for my health, and my strong body, my able mind.  But the Mandy I know is so unsure of herself.  She walks on eggshells, waiting for the days that she ruins everything.  She has a hard time believing someone like Brock finds something so lovable in her.  She keeps waiting for the day everything it shatters like it did before.

I don’t know if this is a fault I have always held, or something that has been created within me as a result of my past.  I hope it is something of the latter, something I can overcome and rise above.  I want the “just me” to be good enough… for me.