Thoughts on Tuesday

It is 5:55 am.

I have been awake for a few hours.   I made a good ol’ attempt to fall back asleep, and short of that I decided to get out of bed and eat something.

I didn’t eat very well yesterday.

I can hear Ronan coughing in his room, and it’s breaking my heart.  My throat hurts so badly I don’t want to swallow, and I know he feels just as sick as I do – but he can’t tell us.

We have had a bed time breakthrough. (Thanks to Brock!)

Apparently, we thought we were being good parents by going and checking on Ronan every 20-30 minutes after we put him in bed, despite his having difficulty falling asleep.  We didn’t want him to think he was alone, or that we didn’t care.  We would offer him a drink, a snack, a diaper change and a cuddle.

Apparently, children as  young as 23 months are able to manipulate their parents into giving them a reason to stay awake.  As of Sunday night, when he is put in bed, we do not go in again.  As of LAST night, his 2-3 hour bed time sleep battle lasted a short 25 minutes.  When he realized we weren’t coming in, he stopped playing and yelling, and he went to sleep.

Win.

My baby girl changed positions last night.  She’s always been laying down my right side with her feet at the left.  Now her bottom is straight up the center, and I don’t know where her feet are.  Suddenly, my belly feels weird.  Things are changing!

I haven’t gotten much in order since the last time I shared any updates.  I started taping off the moulding in the baby room so I could paint it PINK!  I say PINK! because it’s not a calm, quiet little pink.  Baby, that pink is PINK!  I still want to hand paint flowers on the wall, so I have to get around to that as well.

I packed a birthing bag.  One step in the right direction!

My midwife visit yesterday was rescheduled to today.  I always look forward to them, even though they are weekly now – which seems VERY frequent.

Today… TODAY we find out if Ronan got in to the 2-year program at the preschool down the street!  I am very excited!  Classes don’t start until September, but it would be great if he got a spot.

Mom and Dad bought their plane tickets.  They get here on the 16th of February.  My due date, in case you have forgotten, is the 12th of February.  It has added a whole new level of joy and anxiety to everything.  What if I haven’t had her by then?!  What if I don’t have her before they LEAVE??

No!  We still don’t have a name picked out.  HONESTLY.

Man.  Writing all this stuff out really helps.

I am really, really happy lately.  In love with my life.  I am enjoying every moment, and looking forward to the future.  I don’t write words like that very often… and it feels really nice.

~~~

I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and Ronan is 23 months old.

Getting Done.

Things are getting done around here.

It’s slow, and not very organized, but it’s still getting done.

We’ve been cleaning and sorting and putting away.  Ronan has been in his “new” bedroom since Monday, and hasn’t had trouble adjusting at all.  Quite the contrary, (*knock on wood*) he’s been sleeping better since we moved him.  We’ve moved the lion’s share of his toys from the living room into his bedroom, and he’s incredibly excited to be in there, playing, and loves to have us go in and play WITH him.  We’ve left the queen size bed that was in there on the floor (no frame) so that he can crawl in and out of it, on it and around it.  He seems to really enjoy it, and it’s more exposure to a ‘real’ bed for the eventual switch.

I feel a little guilty that we haven’t actually done anything to his room as far as painting or decorations go, but I know he doesn’t care.

In tiny little increments, I’ve gotten the baby girl’s room started.  First it was washing the walls, then it was purchasing painting supplies.  Took me three days to tape off the areas that I want to paint, and I FINALLY got around to painting today.  The first coat of primer.  It took me less than an hour, and I can’t wait to lay the color over it.  I’ll do one more coat of primer tonight, and then start working on color tomorrow.  I haven’t been taking a whole lot of pictures along the way, but I’ll be taking pictures when I’m finished.

I’ve gone through all of Ronan’s clothes, and weeded out everything that is too small.  Those clothes are slowly making their way into boxes, and those boxes are being labelled and put into his closet.  We aren’t ready to let them go yet, as we’re not entirely sure we’re finished having children yet!

Next on the list is to get BG’s clothes washed and hung/folded where they will be used.  Then, we need a final CLEAN of our house.  My only “MUST HAVE DONE” before the baby comes that is left is to have the carpets cleaned, and I can call and schedule that at any time.

So… things are really getting done!  It’s about time too, because I’m 37 weeks tomorrow.  She could  conceivably come at ANY TIME, so the sooner we finish this stuff up, the better.

Also?  It has been nice to have this surge of energy to get things done, but when I’m finished with any given task that I set my mind to – I’m EXHAUSTED.  That being said, I’m going for a nap.

Countdown.

I’m finding it harder and harder to believe how little time we have left before this baby girl arrives.  I’m also thinking very optomistically – 40 weeks or further.  Realistically, if I go before then, I have less time than I am banking on.

Ronan woke last night at 4:30 am.  I left him in his room and watched him on the video monitor, hoping that he would just go back to sleep.  He mewled and tossed and turned for a while.  Then he sat up and signed, “Help please.”  So I went up to his room and asked him what he needed.  He said, “Down!” and signed “food.”

I brought him downstairs to try to find something in the house I could feed him.  We settled for crackers and a cup of milk.  I brought him back to his bed, laid him down and said goodnight.  He went back to sleep immediately.

I went back to bed and laid wide awake for nearly two hours.

My mind stirs and stirs, and I can’t think of a way to make it stop.  I have a huge mental list of everything I’d like to do, and the worst problem is that I KNOW I can do all of it… I just never get started.  I need to get better at getting started.

For the first time this pregnancy (and maybe ever) I decided to get up and do something, rather than sit and fume in bed.  So I rolled out at nearly 7 am, made a cup of tea, and got to work.  I did the dishes, cleaned the counters, organized the pantry and drawers, cleaned out the fridge, and started to hand mop the floor.  When Brock and Ronan got up, I made cheesy eggs and ham for everyone.

I don’t feel like I ever really nested with Ronan, but I’m hoping this energy and desire to get things done continues right up until when she comes!

We still haven’t started working on the nursery project yet, but that’s slated for Thursday.  I told Brock today that all I want is to have the house completely cleaned, carpets done and bedrooms switched before she gets here.  The rest is just details.

I also joined a 365 photo project for the first time!  I’m going to try to post my 7 pictures for the week every Saturday.  This is going to be a challenge for me, because the only thing I do reliably every day is sleep, and even sometimes I don’t manage to do that.

This post is a little all over the place, but oh well.  That’s how my brain feels lately.  Work tomorrow!  I’ve had my spirits boulstered by thinking about how many weekends I have left to work until she comes, rather than weeks themselves.  It’s the little things that help get me through.

I am 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  Ronan is 22 months old.

Her Place.

I meant to write this post a few days ago.

Anyway.  I got bit by a bug.  Really hard.

This whole pregnancy, I have been telling myself that we don’t need anything for the baby.  We don’t need a nursery, we don’t need anything new, we don’t need to make a big deal.  She’s going to sleep in our bed, right?  She doesn’t need a room.  We have TONS of clothes, right?  We don’t need to buy any outfits.  I don’t need any furniture.  We have been through all of this before, and there is no reason at all for me to go crazy or to start spending money.

It hit me the other night… that we haven’t really acknowledged that a baby girl is going to be entering our lives very soon.  At all.  There is no recognition of her existence in my house.  It made me terribly sad.  And then I decided I needed to make a nursery.

Yeah.  Just like that.

So here is the plan!

We are going to clean out the guest room, and move Ronan into the big bedroom.  He will keep his crib until he’s ready for a big boy bed, but this will be his big boy room.  We’re also going to move the lions share of his toys into this room, to try to save our den a little.

The nursery will be repainted.  I will find furniture for a reasonable price.  I will hang her clothes in her closet, and fold them in her own dresser.  I will make it hers the way we made it Ronan’s.  She may not sleep there for a while, but she will have a room!  She will be acknowledged.  It will be her place.

I will post updates!  I’m very excited about this!  I may not officially get started until after Christmas, but I’ve given myself exactly 7 weeks and 5 days to get it done before my due date.

Wish me luck.

Ronan’s Nursery (For now!)

I am 32 weeks pregnant and Ronan is 22 months old.

Head Down!

I seriously have about 10 blog topics running through my head at all times.  I’m usually experiencing a situation and thinking to myself, “How would I write about this?”

Only to find that I sit down to write, and there is nothing there.  Yeah, I know… get a notebook already!  I wish I could just blog the moment an idea comes.  But whatever.  I’ll settle for this.

Baby girl turned head down Saturday night.  I was so busy at work, I honestly didn’t notice until I got home and crashed into bed.  She did her usual “mommy’s trying to fall asleep” mambo, and all the kicks were in all the right places.  I literally felt anxiety and stress leave my body in that moment.  I can’t even begin to say how worked up her being breech got me, as silly as that is.  I tell my patients ALL THE TIME not to worry, and that babies can turn head down as last-minute as an hour before delivery.  I had even already discussed the possibility of a breech vaginal delivery with my midwife, so it wasn’t as though I had a golden ticket to a c-section.  I just… couldn’t stop thinking.  And worrying.  And hoping.

Every single night when I went to bed, I would dream that she had turned down again, and every single morning when I woke up I would wait for those first kicks only to be disappointed.  Now that she’s turned?  I find I don’t have anything I can complain about!

Ronan has been having more sleep troubles again.  He hasn’t fallen asleep before 11pm yet this week.  We keep going back and forth between growing pains, teething, and him feeling unsettled because his home life has entirely changed – dad is home all day now!  My lovely friend, Stephany, pointed out to me something that I had entirely forgotten; when children are going through a big developmental leap, they tend to have trouble sleeping.  The moment she said this, it was like a window opened up in my brain.  D’oh!  I should have thought of that.  So keep your eyes open for updates.

Also?  I made an amazing cloth diaper purchase the other day.  I can’t wait to get them in the mail!  We are still using Flips on Ronan with much success, and want to start baby girl out in something more fitted until she’s big enough for one-size diapers.  I only got 12, and I know that’s aiming a little low as far as laundry is concerned, so I’m going to buy a dozen prefolds as well.  Time to move up (or down?) in the cloth diapering world!

I am 30 weeks pregnant and Ronan is 21 months old.

22 Weeks.

I have found myself in a funny place.

I don’t remember being like this with Ronan at all.  I wish I were, I wish I had known better.

A sweet friend recommended to me that I read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth… and so I did.  I had no idea how much it would change my life.  I honestly and very literally feel like it has changed the way my brain functions.

I had no idea that a woman’s body could be seen so powerfully.  I had no idea that we could be in control of what happens, and how, and why.  I had put complete and total faith in the medical system, believing that my doctors always had my best interest in mind.  I really did buy the idea that “a healthy baby is worth any means it takes to get it here.”

I don’t feel that way any more.

I am in love with the idea of bringing my baby into the world in the manner of my choosing.  It becomes terribly obvious, the more I read and the more I learn, that hospitals aren’t the BEST way to get a baby out – they are just ANOTHER way.  After hundreds of years of making and birthing children, women have lost faith in their ability to bring forth and also nurture their own offspring.

Now don’t get me wrong, there ARE women who need to have their children in hospitals.  There are ALWAYS situations in which mother and baby are better being attended by physicians who are away of the dangers and pathology of pregnancy.  But they are NOT the norm, and the other 80% of us mothers have been hoodwinked into thinking that we can’t do it without help of some kind.  Of all kinds.  Of far too many kinds.

I have found myself lately talking to my baby girl.  I never did this with Ronan.  I find myself telling her that I can’t wait to bring her into this world.  I can’t wait to feel the rush of labor, and the excitement of birth.  I can’t wait to hold her for the first time, and watch her has she nurses.  I can’t wait for a joyful, peaceful, comforting entry into our arms and our hearts.  I tell her this every day.  I feel myself becoming stronger, more aware of my body and its abilities.  The fear and trepidation I’ve had in the past at the prospect of a ‘drug-free’ birth has been replaced by excitement, and the desire to challenge it head-on; the knowledge that it’s not something I should do or have to do, but something I CAN do.  Never, in my life, have I felt more strength as a woman, more faith in my body and what I can do.

Never before have I known so fully and truly what I want to do, and who I want to be.  Ina May has guided my path in a new direction.

I want to be a midwife.

Heart Problems.

Interesting week.

Wednesday morning, I got up with Ronan,  we ate breakfast together, and then we walked to the sitters.  I felt pretty out of it, but attributed it to a poor night’s sleep, and went about my way.  I came home, packed up for work and hit the road.

The scariest time is when I feel dizzy and light-headed while driving.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I just want to pull over.  I should.  I didn’t.  I continued in to work, and walked into the department feeling like I was moments away from fainting.  I sat down in a chair and felt the world go black.  It felt like only a second, but may not have been – I sat up straight and shook my head, trying to clear it out, trying to get back some semblance of normal feelings.  Everything was just off.

I went into one of the rooms and put on the pulse-oximiter, which registered an oxygen saturation of 100%, but my pulse was 134 – tachycardia.  My resting heart rate is somewhere around 70.

I ate a banana and a granola bar, drank about 20 ounces of water, and continued to feel awful.  Periodic checks showed my heart rate above 120 for nearly 2 hours.  By the end of the day, it was still above 100.

When I woke Thursday morning, I felt great.  A quick pulse check said 70.  Despite feeling better, I took the advice I was given at work the day before, and called the doctor anyways.  They told me to come in.

So, yesterday I had an EKG, an ultrasound to check the baby, and was fit for a “holter” monitor, which is monitoring my heart rate as we speak.  I’ve had episodes similar to this one before, but they come more than a week apart, and I’m fairly sure a 24 hour monitor isn’t going to catch anything.  That being said, I’m glad it’s being taken seriously, and if there is something to find, it will be found.

I should get the results from today some time next week.  I will post an update when I do.  Hopefully it’s nothing other than silliness related to pregnancy.

In other news, if you haven’t already heard from text, Twitter or Facebook… we are having a GIRL!