I Like… I Wish.

I like my husband… I wish we could spend more time together.

I like nap time… I wish it were just a little longer.

I like swimming at the pool… I wish Ronan would want to stay for more than 20 minutes.

I like having a job… I wish I weren’t so exhausted from working all the time.

I like being pregnant… I wish all of the crazy parts would go away.  Or be less crazy.

I like writing my blog… I wish sometimes I didn’t feel so guilty for missing a few days.

I like photography… I wish I still took pictures like I did when Ronan was small.

I like driving my car… I wish gas wasn’t so expensive.

I like my iPhone… I wish it didn’t have a HUGE crack in the glass.

I like food… I wish I didn’t have to grocery shop.

I like shopping… I wish I didn’t regret spending money so badly.

I like my house… I wish I had the time, energy and money to fix it up a little bit.

I like going to the movies… I wish I didn’t have to pay for a sitter to go.

I like my friends… I wish I could see them more.  All of them!

I like dressing up and looking nice… I wish it were possible more often.

I like a clean house… I wish it didn’t take so much effort to keep it that way.

I like my son… I wish I could keep him the way he is for just a little longer.

I like sleeping… I wish for more sleep.  Always.

I like my life.

I wish I remembered that a little more often.

Sweet Naps

I have done everything possible in the last hour to avoid writing a blog.

I don’t even know why.  There is NOTHING coming to my mind about what I would like to write about today.

Then I realized that I could celebrate a breakthrough last night.  Only I don’t want to jinx it.  I’ll just put it succinctly… I got some sleep last night.  And Ronan did too.  That’s all I’m going to say about it for now.

Birthday party anxiety is ramping up.  Way up.  So far, I have 14 people RSVP’d and are coming to my tiny little house.  My tiny, little, dirty house.  I’m planning on working on that today – you know, since I’m all rested up.

What does any of this have to do with the title of my blog?  I love it when Ronan is napping.  I swear, God invented naps to preserve mothers’ sanity.  I could genuflect over naps alone.

Goals for today?

  • New baby gate at Target
  • Kitchen tidied and cleaned.
  • Floors swept/mopped.
  • Living room tidied.
  • Laundry DONE!
  • Bonus goal: Clean master bathroom.
  • Bonus goal: Clean and organize baby room.

I’ll admit, my expectations for today are a little unrealistic, but why not aim high?  We’re getting the trip to Target out of the way early.

And right here, I’d like to do a little celebratory dance… just days from my son’s first birthday, we FINALLY have him paid off.  *dance*

I am Thankful.

I figured I should write something about being thankful, seeing as how today is Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful for:

…my wonderful husband, and everything he does for me.

…my incredible son, and the person he is becoming every day.

…my family.  Every single person.  I love you all.

…my beautiful mother in law and her incredible cooking. What a feast! Year after year, she never disappoints.

…my mom and dad. I love you, mom. I love you, dad. I don’t think you hear it enough. I can’t wait for the day you finally meet my son.

…my friends.  So many people care about me, I don’t think I deserve it.

…my health.  My family’s health.  How incredibly blessed we all are to be so healthy.

…my job.  My husband’s job.  Our security in this time of uncertainty.

…pacifiers, and the wonderful work they do.

…milk filled boobies.

…bad jokes that don’t make me laugh.

…pants that fit again.

…communication.  Cellphones, Skype, Facebook and all the other ways I keep in touch.

…high chairs, and their magical ability to create immobility.

…my camera, because the memories I’ve captured are irreplaceable.

…my blog, and all of my readers.  I do this for me, but you keep me going.

…my life.  It is a blessed life, and I lose sight of that sometimes.  I am thankful for today.

A Dark Day for Mommy.

I had one of those days yesterday.

I’m sure you’ve heard of them.  You know, the ones where a stay-at-home mom can’t get anything right?  Where she doesn’t shower, get dressed, or leave the house?  It’s true, the rumors you’ve heard – it DOES happen.

There was a melt-down around 11 am.  Ronan was exhausted.  He was crawling around the living room floor and whining.  He’d crawl up to me, and bury his face into my leg, and moan.  He was literally screaming, “I need to SLEEEEEEEP!” in baby talk.  So, I picked him up, took him to his room, and nursed him to sleep.  We don’t do that very often, and it’s usually a nice and easy path to a good nap.  This time, the moment I laid him down in his crib, despite nursing, he was wide awake.

Now, Ronan has this neat trick.  We’ve been trying for almost 2 months to put Ronan down “drowsy but awake” every single time we lay him down.  We’re trying to encourage him to learn to fall asleep without being held or rocked.  But if he’s TOO awake when you lay him down, he just arches is back, throws his arms up in the air, and starts trying to get up.  So, we pick him back up, rock him again until his eyelids start to droop, and put him down again.  Typically I have to do this 2 or 3 times before I get him to stay down and fall asleep.  I usually keep my hands on him for a little while so he doesn’t feel like I’ve just left him.

Yesterday?  I put him down the third time with his eyes already closed, and he jacked them WAY open, turned over and grabbed on to my arms.  I picked him back up.  Rocked for another 5-10 minutes, laid him down, and he flipped onto his belly and started crawling.  The fifth time, as soon as I put him down he started crying.  The sixth time, I rocked until I was SURE he was asleep.  Then, when he arched his back and pushed away from me, I tried to hold him down.  Yes, I kept my hands on him forcefully as I said through gritted teeth, “You’re EXHAUSTED Ronan.  GO. TO. SLEEP.”

And then I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to hold my WIDE awake child still and will him to sleep.  I had spent over 30 minutes trying to get him to sleep for his 45 minute nap.  I was getting so upset I couldn’t see straight.  I started crying and crying.  I brought him downstairs and told him spitefully, “Fine.  Stay up forever.  I don’t care.”  I felt like a horrible mommy, and thought that someone should immediately come and take him away from me; his dad, social services, maybe even the goblin king.

After that, a funny thing happened.  Ronan would crawl over to me, and pull himself up on my arms.  He’d lay his head on my shoulder, and smack his full-on open mouth against my cheek.  He’d laugh and smile at me.  He’d make me laugh and smile back at him.  And everything was okay again.

09

What can I say?  The kid can be frustrating beyond belief sometimes… but he’s still so amazing I can hardly believe he’s mine.


On Friendship.

I have this post already written in my head, and it makes me sad.  It isn’t meant to be a woe-is-me situation or anything.  It’s really just the way things feel to me.

I don’t have any friends.

Yeah, I know, that’s stupid.  Mandy, you’re stupid.

You have a ton of friends on Facebook that you love keeping in touch with.  And you have all of these amazing people that you consider your friends.  Dana and Amanda are incredible.  You probably couldn’t live without Joy, or Nancy, or Nadine.  You are friends with the people you work with; you like all of them.  And Crystal?  She’s still your BFF.   She always will be.

Then what the hell am I talking about?

The thing is, I can’t remember the last time I had a friend that I could hang out with on a moments notice.   It has been years since there was someone that came over just to see me.  Someone that called me when she had a problem and needed me.  Someone that I could call just because I had a problem and needed her.  There are no shopping trips, cause we’re both stressed out and need some retail therapy.  No hugs, cause I just need a damn hug.  No one that loves Ronan as much as I do, just because he’s mine.

I’m so jealous of all of the people that I see, and their groups of amazing friends.  I am green with envy when I see Facebook pictures of the girls I knew in high school on camping trips and vacations with the best buds they’ve had since first grade.  I want so badly to have that, and yet friendships like that aren’t just made.  How does one become a best friend without being too forward, too aggressive?  Can it just happen one day?  It takes years to know someone well enough to know them inside and out, to know them as well as they know themselves.  And it hurts like hell to consider someone the very best friend that you have, and know that to them you’re actually just okay to hang out with.

I have all of these friends that are in my life because of work, or because of mututal relationships, or just because of luck.  I care about all of them, and they matter so much to me.  But I don’t have THAT friend.

And it makes me terribly lonely.  I’m surrounded by people that like me, and I’m lonely.

Ultrasound Resonates: Snap Judgments

As you may or may not know, I am a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer.  That is just a huge mouthful of words that means that I do ultrasound.  I have to admit to you, I used to be lucky enough to work in the field of my passion: Obstetrics… pregnant mommies.  But since the birth of my child, and the overwhelming desire to stay at home with him as much as possible, I have taken a job as an Ultrasound Technologist in a busy hospital.

Ultrasound Resonates is a way for me to share stories of my experiences in ultrasound.  Privacy and HIPAA will always be protected in these stories, but they are really a way for me to share an accounting of the people that touch my life through my work.

Last night was a busy shift.  It had been slow nearly all day, but as soon as all of my day-time co-workers punched out, the Emergency Department punched in.  Within fifteen minutes, there were several ultrasounds in the queue, and my evening help wasn’t scheduled to come in for another hour.  I sent for a few of the patients, knowing that by the time transport got them to me, I would no longer be scanning solo, and I got to work.

When you’re busy and behind, it’s very easy to get frustrated by the exams that are ordered, and the people that you get used to seeing in the ED.  We call them “Frequent Fliers.”  Some of our most common customers are young pregnant women who are mistakenly told by their friends that if they go to the Emergency Room and say they are in pain, they will get an ultrasound and find out the gender of their child.  We HIGHLY DISCOURAGE this practice, mostly by completing OB ultrasounds without ever showing or telling the mother what the results of her exam are.  We point out very clearly from before we even touch her with a probe that we are not allowed to talk about the ultrasound, and that the doctor in the ER will tell her what the exam showed when she returns to her room.

One of the transporters dropped off an ER case for me, and left.  I glanced up at the camera and saw a young woman in the hall with her husband waiting.  A quick check of her ER chart told me that she was about 10 weeks pregnant with abdominal pain.

And then I did it.

I made a snap judgment.

I immediately assumed she was one of the young ladies that came to the ER to see her kid.  I instantly found myself upset at her for wasting my time, and coming to the hospital when she could have just stayed home.  I wasn’t rude or mean to her when I brought her into the room, but I wasn’t exactly warm and compassionate either.  My snap judgment had made me curt, even cold towards her.  When I had her prepped, I started asking her the routine questions.

“When was the first day of your last menstrual period?”

She told me.

“Which pregnancy is this for you?”

‘This is my tenth.”

SEE?!  There, I was RIGHT.  My snap judgment was RIGHT.  She just cant stop having babies.  I bet she does this every time.  Just keeps coming back to the hospital.  I bet she keeps having abortions.  I see it all the time.

“And how many children do you have at home?”

“Seven.”

Seven children?  Holy crap.  Who wants that many kids?  How many of those are accidents?

“Ok.  So you’ve had two miscarriages or abortions?”

She paused.  “… No.  I had a baby last year that died at 4 months old of SIDS, and 3 months ago I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks.”

Wow.  Take a breath here, Mandy.  That’s some heavy stuff to go through.  No one deserves to have to deal with that.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry.  I can’t imagine how difficult that was.”

She then proceeded to tell me what was going on, how she’d been feeling pain for a few weeks, and assumed when she went to her OB appointment that they would tell her she had a urinary tract infection.  When they didn’t find anything, she started to worry.  With her recent history, her mind just wouldn’t rest.  And I could completely empathize with her.  I even had tears in my eyes as she spoke.  Every night when I put Ronan to bed, I worry that he wont be there when I wake in the morning.  It’s a very REAL fear that she has already lived.  My worst nightmare has been her reality.

From that point out, things were different.  We talked, we laughed, and I found out that she is actually an amazing person; a loving mom, a caring wife and a hard working nurse.  She told me about her seven children at home, and how each one of them was planned and lovingly awaited.  She told me how all of them got their names.  She said how they have partners that they help take care of and get ready in the mornings, and about how when they go to the grocery store, people always come up to her and compliment her on her well behaved children.  She could tell me things about every single one of them, each one as precious and amazing to her as the last.

Last night, I found out that she was the kind of mother that I want to be.  When she left my department, I had nothing but respect for her.  While I didn’t get to tell her anything, I let her go with the peace of mind knowing she was about to find out her baby was ok.  And I found out that my snap judgment was dead wrong… as they almost always are.