Adjusting.

My oh my.

It has been 22 days since my last blog post.

I find it so frustrating when I go this long without blogging.  I find it to be such an outlet, and don’t realize how pent up I’m getting with thoughts and ideas and… blogs.  Until I stop, sit down, and write again.  I remember how good it feels to write.

Our whole family is in this massive adjustment period right now.  Things are changing all around us, faster than we can keep up.  We all feel a little off our center, helter-skelter, trying to come back into balance.  Brock started back at work a few weeks ago, and he’s full time.  I mean… FULL TIME.  I am lucky if I see him before work, and he hasn’t been back before dark yet.  He has had to adjust to not getting to see the kids during the week.  We have had to adjust to no daddy.

A hundred times a day, “Where’d daddy go?”

“He went to work, buddy.”

“Oh, work.” (Pointing at himself,) “Me work?”

It’s sweet and heartbreaking and over and over.  We’ve found ourselves more often at the park, or “pay-ground.”  Trips to the Library (finally!) and playdates with friends.  Going out is tought, but staying home is tougher.

As we look forward and prepare for the coming months, there are more adjustments in store.  Ronan will be graduating out of the CDSA Speech program, and start receiving services through the school system.  Ruby will be turning one… and walking any minute.  I will be switching my work schedule from midnight shifts to day shifts.  And we may – hopefully, breathlessly – be moving out soon.  We have been so incredibly blessed to have this home, this family to stay with.  So incredibly lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents (in-laws, as it were) that allow us so graciously to squat while we get things sorted out.  But it’s stressful for everyone, and the return to normalcy will be a welcome change.

So much change.  Change is good.

Life’s Rough.

Adjusting to major changes is hard.

Adjusting to having two kids is hard.

Dealing with no sleep, screaming, and baby constipation is really hard.

No naps, and exhaustion, and time outs and getting slapped in the face are all really hard.

Nothing can come even close to comparing to how I feel about going back to work.

I have a ton of shit bottled inside right now, and I don’t know how to let it out.  Anger, frustration, fear, guilt.  It is eating me up like you would not believe.

I don’t want to blog about it.

I shouldn’t.

Instead, I just keep going day to day, acting like I’m not upset with emotions I’m having trouble controlling simmering just under the surface.

I will clean the house.

I will bounce with Ruby.

I will play with Ronan.

I will stay calm.

I will not cry.

But I will want to.

Today.

Today, I have a 19 month old son.

Today, I am 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a little girl.

Today, I have decided that it wont make me a bad mother, wife or woman to hire someone to help me clean my house.

Today, I will watch Glee while I get things done.

Today, I cuddled with my son for several blissful minutes, and was thankful.

Today, I will take pictures.

Today, I washed my new Flip cloth diapers several times in preparation for wearing.

Today, I will drive to the bank and deposit checks, and use it as an excuse to have lunch with my husband.

Today, I decided that sleep was less important than love at 1 am, and do not regret it.

Today, I will drink more than 50 ounces of water.

Today, I lost track of how many contractions I’d had before breakfast.

Today, I asked Ronan to kiss me a hundred times, and he did.  Each! Time!

Today, my allergies are beyond belief, and I’m ready for ragweed season to be over.

Today, I cried for a moment when I remembered and regretted weaning my son from nursing.

Today, I made my first purchase from www.babysteals.com.

Today, a picture of my beautiful nieces made me cry… and terribly excited for a daughter.

Today, I can see my child kick from outside of my belly.

Today is a good day.  And it’s not even noon yet.

Hand Written.

This blog was written out by hand and typed later on.

———

Want to write.

Nowhere to write… except good ol’ pen and paper.

Days have such huge ups and downs.

Terrible tantrums and sweetest kisses.

Perfect love making and awful fights.

This is life.

Good weeks and bad weeks.  Good years, bad times.

When you look back, do you remember the bad?  More than the good?

Things were so terrible for so long.  A year of no sleep.

Frustration, anger, exhaustion… all a dim memory now.

Why were we so upset?

We’d do it all over again in a second, take the bad for the good.

It is forever this way.

Yelling, arguing.

Why are we so upset?

This too shall pass.

I’m a Silly Girl… For Maddie.

Every now and then, I get down and feel sorry for myself.

Every now and then, I feel guilty for the life that I have, and wonder why I don’t appreciate it more.

Every now and then, I go a little bit crazy and wish things weren’t the way they are.

And then, I do something silly.  I read a blog that changes my life.

I did not know Madeline Spohr when she lived.  I didn’t know her family, or her story, or her precious smile.  But I learned of her today, as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of her passing.

I have spent the last hour reading of her life, and crying.  Crying, crying, crying.

Because it’s not fair.  And babies are taken too soon.

And I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  Every single day

I am a silly girl, and Maddie has shown me in ONE day of my life how to appreciate the moments that I take for granted.  The hugs that sustain me.  The smile that lights up my life.  And how quickly it can be taken away, with no warning and no thought.

I did not know you Madeline, but I am thankful for you.

And I miss you.