Want.

I want to blog.

I seriously do.  I spend a small portion of every single day thinking about what I want to blog about.  About how I want to get regularly blogging again.  Between two kids, pregnancy, working, a new house and my silly Etsy site, I don’t know where to fit it in.  Beyond that, Brock and I have been in bed at 9pm every night this week.

I think it’s time to just start practicing 5 minute blogging again.  I can write a 5 minute blog while the oven is pre-heating for dinner.  While the kids are going down for naps but not quite asleep yet.  While I wait for the dishes to cool before taking them out of the dishwasher.

I feel like I have tried to turn over a new leaf.  I have been relentless about keeping the main areas of my house clean.  Kitchen sink emptied and dishwasher run before bed.  Table wiped down.  Extras put away.  Living room tidied.  It doesn’t take that much extra time and makes a HUGE difference in my morning.  I can even do it when I’m exhausted, right before I fall into bed.  I want to keep it up.

But.  But I’m still desperately behind on laundry.  It’s clean… it’s just never put away.  And we’ve been doing cloth diapers again, which adds an extra load a day.  I feel so overwhelmed with our laundry that I want to do a SERIOUS clothing purge.  I have a feeling we could eliminate half of our clothes and still have way more than we need.

I also feel like I’ve been slacking with the bills.  Perhaps it’s just rough getting back into paying things when we haven’t had any for nearly a year.  Or we just need to get everything back on direct draft, but shew.

So many successes.  So many failures.

That is a blog for another day.  This one is done.

Ronan is 3.5, Ruby is 1.5 and I am 26 weeks pregnant.

Blog It Out.

I’ve been blowing up on Twitter, and several people have made the suggestion to “blog it out.”  I think it’s time.

I am not having a good go of it.  Nothing has gone well for a long time now, and it’s getting overwhelming.  I am twelve weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an international vacation.  I flew with my very young children to Canada to spend some time with my parents and to “get a break” from it all.  It hasn’t, unfortunately, been much of a break.

One of the things I greatly underestimated was how difficult it would be for my children to adjust to SO many changes all at once.  Different place, different people, different sleep schedule, different beds, different food.  Seriously, so much.  And every single person here is so in love with them, all they want to do is get the chance to spend some time with them.  I don’t blame them, these kids are great.  But it is so overwhelming.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to a 3 year old brain.  The tantrums have been epic.  He is lashing out, and I’m safe, so he lashes out at me.  I understand it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sleep has been at a premium, and no one is getting any.  Ronan has been unable to settle himself and has been awake until after 10pm every night.  Waking before 6am.  And I have been Losing. My. Shit.  Over and over again.  I think I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I have hope that once we get home – to a shiny, spanking new house that Brock has been moving us into while we’ve been gone – back to our beds and our routines and our life, that things will get back to normal.  That bedtime wont be a struggle, and I wont have to worry about what Ronan ate today.  That we’ll spend less time fighting and more time playing.  That I wont feel so guilty about being such a terrible mom ALL OF THE TIME.  I’m ready for that kind of change.

Ronan having a bit of a grumpy… week.

Ruby’s first chocolate cookie.  Hey, it’s vacation.

Adjusting.

My oh my.

It has been 22 days since my last blog post.

I find it so frustrating when I go this long without blogging.  I find it to be such an outlet, and don’t realize how pent up I’m getting with thoughts and ideas and… blogs.  Until I stop, sit down, and write again.  I remember how good it feels to write.

Our whole family is in this massive adjustment period right now.  Things are changing all around us, faster than we can keep up.  We all feel a little off our center, helter-skelter, trying to come back into balance.  Brock started back at work a few weeks ago, and he’s full time.  I mean… FULL TIME.  I am lucky if I see him before work, and he hasn’t been back before dark yet.  He has had to adjust to not getting to see the kids during the week.  We have had to adjust to no daddy.

A hundred times a day, “Where’d daddy go?”

“He went to work, buddy.”

“Oh, work.” (Pointing at himself,) “Me work?”

It’s sweet and heartbreaking and over and over.  We’ve found ourselves more often at the park, or “pay-ground.”  Trips to the Library (finally!) and playdates with friends.  Going out is tought, but staying home is tougher.

As we look forward and prepare for the coming months, there are more adjustments in store.  Ronan will be graduating out of the CDSA Speech program, and start receiving services through the school system.  Ruby will be turning one… and walking any minute.  I will be switching my work schedule from midnight shifts to day shifts.  And we may – hopefully, breathlessly – be moving out soon.  We have been so incredibly blessed to have this home, this family to stay with.  So incredibly lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents (in-laws, as it were) that allow us so graciously to squat while we get things sorted out.  But it’s stressful for everyone, and the return to normalcy will be a welcome change.

So much change.  Change is good.

Life’s Rough.

Adjusting to major changes is hard.

Adjusting to having two kids is hard.

Dealing with no sleep, screaming, and baby constipation is really hard.

No naps, and exhaustion, and time outs and getting slapped in the face are all really hard.

Nothing can come even close to comparing to how I feel about going back to work.

I have a ton of shit bottled inside right now, and I don’t know how to let it out.  Anger, frustration, fear, guilt.  It is eating me up like you would not believe.

I don’t want to blog about it.

I shouldn’t.

Instead, I just keep going day to day, acting like I’m not upset with emotions I’m having trouble controlling simmering just under the surface.

I will clean the house.

I will bounce with Ruby.

I will play with Ronan.

I will stay calm.

I will not cry.

But I will want to.

Today.

Today, I have a 19 month old son.

Today, I am 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a little girl.

Today, I have decided that it wont make me a bad mother, wife or woman to hire someone to help me clean my house.

Today, I will watch Glee while I get things done.

Today, I cuddled with my son for several blissful minutes, and was thankful.

Today, I will take pictures.

Today, I washed my new Flip cloth diapers several times in preparation for wearing.

Today, I will drive to the bank and deposit checks, and use it as an excuse to have lunch with my husband.

Today, I decided that sleep was less important than love at 1 am, and do not regret it.

Today, I will drink more than 50 ounces of water.

Today, I lost track of how many contractions I’d had before breakfast.

Today, I asked Ronan to kiss me a hundred times, and he did.  Each! Time!

Today, my allergies are beyond belief, and I’m ready for ragweed season to be over.

Today, I cried for a moment when I remembered and regretted weaning my son from nursing.

Today, I made my first purchase from www.babysteals.com.

Today, a picture of my beautiful nieces made me cry… and terribly excited for a daughter.

Today, I can see my child kick from outside of my belly.

Today is a good day.  And it’s not even noon yet.

Hand Written.

This blog was written out by hand and typed later on.

———

Want to write.

Nowhere to write… except good ol’ pen and paper.

Days have such huge ups and downs.

Terrible tantrums and sweetest kisses.

Perfect love making and awful fights.

This is life.

Good weeks and bad weeks.  Good years, bad times.

When you look back, do you remember the bad?  More than the good?

Things were so terrible for so long.  A year of no sleep.

Frustration, anger, exhaustion… all a dim memory now.

Why were we so upset?

We’d do it all over again in a second, take the bad for the good.

It is forever this way.

Yelling, arguing.

Why are we so upset?

This too shall pass.

I’m a Silly Girl… For Maddie.

Every now and then, I get down and feel sorry for myself.

Every now and then, I feel guilty for the life that I have, and wonder why I don’t appreciate it more.

Every now and then, I go a little bit crazy and wish things weren’t the way they are.

And then, I do something silly.  I read a blog that changes my life.

I did not know Madeline Spohr when she lived.  I didn’t know her family, or her story, or her precious smile.  But I learned of her today, as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of her passing.

I have spent the last hour reading of her life, and crying.  Crying, crying, crying.

Because it’s not fair.  And babies are taken too soon.

And I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  Every single day

I am a silly girl, and Maddie has shown me in ONE day of my life how to appreciate the moments that I take for granted.  The hugs that sustain me.  The smile that lights up my life.  And how quickly it can be taken away, with no warning and no thought.

I did not know you Madeline, but I am thankful for you.

And I miss you.