I have so much to say, and yet nothing to say.

 

So much has been happening, and so much that I’m excited about, but I have no real way to put it into words.  I feel like I just say the same things over and over again.  I don’t feel like my life is that boring, but when I write about it  – when I read about it – I see that it is.  Sometimes I want to write about every single little thing that happens to me during the day.  Sometimes I want to write about things that I’m upset about, but I don’t want to upset Justin by bringing them up.  Every day I feel like I wish I had someone to talk to about everything, because I don’t want to bother everyone else with what is on my mind.  Every day, I miss my mom a lot.

I am struggling right now with an idea that I don’t know how to hold on to.  A girl, sitting beside Justin in his History class, asked him if he would like to go home and have sex with her.  Of course, he responded no.  I don’t really know how to deal with it, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle this situation.  I am incredibly grateful that he felt I deserved the right to know that this had happened.  I also feel, logically, like there is no reason for me to be jealous, and certainly not upset at him because there is no fault to be laid at his feet.  Yet, I immediately start to think that it should be okay for me to ask him not to sit beside her any more.  I think it should be okay for me to ask him not to speak to her any more.  She obviously doesn’t think that what she did was inappropriate, or she wouldn’t have done it.  I don’t know that it isn’t okay for me to ask these things, but I hesitate to do so – just incase.

I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.  All I know is that I’m glad I’ve been working out, because if I met her, I’d want to beat her up.

All these questions come into my mind that don’t belong there, and I don’t want to know the answers to.  “Is she pretty?”  “Do you like her?”  “Were you tempted?”

It comforts me to know that he doesn’t even know her name.  I don’t want to allow myself to be tortured by this, and I have tried very hard not to allow myself to compensate.  I don’t fear losing him, and I trust very deeply that he will let me know that he doesn’t want to be with me, rather than cheat on me. 

 

But it is startling to realize how quickly something could happen, how easy it would be for him to say yes, how rapidly a relationship can dissolve.  I close my eyes and pray that that never comes to be.