Okay now.  Before I go study until I can’t stay awake any more, I have some stuff that I’m really upset about and need to say.

 

I just had a really horrible night at dance.  I don’t think I could have been given more corrections.  Every single move, the dance teacher was telling me I’m doing it wrong.  I left the studio with tears in my eyes.  I don’t know what to think.  Was I honestly dancing that badly?  What she just noticing me for some reason?  Do I always dance that poorly, and this is the first time she’s pointed it out? 

Holy crap, I mean seriously.  If I dance that badly, I might as well quit now.  And the Company?  I don’t want to feel like I’m making the rest of these excellent dancers look bad because I can’t get my shit together. 

I wish I could say I have the time to go in and devote to practicing.  I wish I could say that I think Raena will help me and make sure I get better, but neither of these things are true.  I need to get in to the gym and work out, re-build my strength, lose the thirteen pounds I’ve gained, and really figure this out.

If, after I see the recital video, I feel like I’m not on the level, I’m going to tell Raena that I don’t think I should be in the Company.  I don’t think she’d ask me not to be in it, so I’ll save her the trouble.  I am so depressed right now, I want to cry.  I should cry.