I just keep screwing everything up.

 

Jealousy is a serious problem.  I need to get over it.  Everyone tells me so.

 

What if I were to finally admit that my jealous has nothing to do with Justin, and everything to do with my own feelings of not being good enough?  Because the affirmations that I get from everyone else make me realize that I shouldn’t need them.

 

John, I don’t know if you still read this.  I’m going to say I’m sorry again, even though I know it frustrates you, because it shouldn’t be me putting all of the strain on a friendship.  Not only should you not have to worry about my issues with …

Ok, I seriously paused there for nearly a full minute trying to think of what to type.  But I’m not a baby.  I can do it.

 

You shouldn’t have to worry about my jealousy issues with Navras.   Nor should you have to hold my hand and assure me that you like me more.  I know I’m a big girl, I know better than that, and it’s about time.

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction, and being understanding.  It really does help.

 

 

Justin: 

You say you don’t know how I try.  I try every single day, I promise you.  Every time  you talk about girls that come into Gamers, or how you have to work on a project with the girls in your class, or about one of the girls that is seeing Taylor, I deal with it.  I force myself to deal with it.  I recite to myself in my head, “I don’t care.  I don’t care.  I don’t care.”  Over and over and over, and try to make myself believe that it’s true.

I look at someone like Nav, and think about why I’m jealous.  Every single reason every other person gives me makes so much sense, and then I’m still just jealous.  I list off every thing that I like about me, and that I’m proud of that should make me feel validated, and secure, and have no reason for jealousy.  I’m thin, I’m not ugly, I’m smart, I have good friends that like me, I enjoy playing my class, I’ve been lucky enough to get a ton of epics in the core, I’m married to a wonderful man that loves me, I have friends that are willing to stick up for me. 

And somehow, when someone tells a stupid “She’s jailbait” joke, or she gets congratulated for one-upping me again, or any other number of things, it doesn’t matter.  I’m not the best PvPer, I’m not the best hunter, and I’m not special. 

 

That is exactly how it goes.  I’m crying now, because I know how it goes, and I know it’s stupid, and I can’t stop it.  I’m sorry, i’m trying.  I’m stopping now.