I’m awake now!   I actually only slept for about an hour.  I was having a dream, and in my dream I was getting text messages over and over again.  When I finally opened my eyes and looked at my cell phone, I had 24 messages waiting.  I’m sorta glad I woke up though.  My dream really sucked.

I used to have bad dreams all the time about my ex.  I used to get really upset because I would wake up in a panic, and feeling hurt, and crying.  It was just stupid things, being yelled at, or told that I ruined everything, or being cheated on again.  But I could always handle that, because at least when I woke up I knew it wasn’t real.  I didn’t have to stop and remember where I am or what I’ve been through – I know I’m not with him any more.

It’s a lot harder when I have a bad dream about Brock.  It’s even worse when I have a bad dream about something that we’ve been arguing about that very same morning.  I wake up thinking its real.  I’m mad at him, and I feel like I have the right to be.  And I have to calm myself down knowing that my brain made it up, and I have no reason to be mad at him at all…  it isn’t real. 

***Re-reading this for edit, I make a complete topic jump here.***

When it comes right down to it, I’m afraid to put in the time and effort and emotion in trying.  That makes me a coward, yes.  And when things get hard, or we fight, I want to run away.  I always give up in my mind.  I don’t even want to stick up for myself or even just push to make things better.  And I thank God every day that Brock is strong enough to pull me back.  I know, I know so very well that we are worth fighting for.  And that the things that we fight about, the in-frequency of our little tiffs are nothing to get upset about, nothing to quit over. 

But in those weak moments, in the broken part of my heart, I just give in.  I want it to stop happening.  I’m not a quitter.