Two days with no posts.

I should be ashamed!  But I’m not.  I have been at Orientation for my new job yesterday and today.  Monday I did the 8 hours of information, sitting and listening with less than a full hour of sleep.  I couldn’t believe how many patients I did Sunday night, but I thought to myself that it figured, because I had counted on there being very few. 

In a strange turn from expected events, I was planning on reading, writing, and other relative things Sunday night on my down time.  Instead, however, I spent my free moments going back and reading the posts from years ago when I first started Xanga, all the way forward to today.  I have to be honest with you, I didn’t read every single word.  But I got the gist of what was going on and where my life was at the time.  It was a sort of painful and frustrating experience for me.  I can’t tell a lie – I didn’t like who I was back then.  I didn’t enjoy reading the things that I had to say.  I didn’t like to see the way I reacted to problems I was having.  I didn’t like the way I let my husband make me feel all the time.  And I am very proud to say that I think I have changed quite a bit since then. 

Please, let me make it clear right now – I do not recommend reading my early posts.  As a matter of fact, I highly recommend against it.  I am just making these remarks about what I read Sunday night because of some of the striking things I realized as I went through them. 

I knew, in my heart, that something was going on with my husband and the girl he left me for long before I found out it had gone on.  It was almost like watching a movie from the beginning a second time after you’ve seen the ending… all of a sudden, you’re able to see the signs that you just looked over before.  It also made me smile to see my first impressions of doing ultrasound.  Looking back, now, I see that I had passion for this right from the beginning.  It was “for me” then, and is still for me now. 

My life has changed so much since then, in so many ways.  I’m not the same person, I’m not with the same person.  I’m living a different life.  As I remember everything I have done, and everywhere I have been since the very beginning, I can’t help but imagine what a best selling book it would be.  Only, it would have to be marketed as “fiction” because no one would believe the things that I have gone through since the start could possibly be the truth.