I don’t know where to write about this, other than here.

I am stuck in this horrible place of doubt and apprehension.  I’m not sure what is the best way to proceed, and yet I know full well how NOT to proceed. 

After my divorce, my sister-in-law and I remained friends.  This was wholly and completely comforting to me – not all of my old life was lost to me.  We had made plans to visit each other, she was excited for Brock and I together, she would tell me of things going on in her life.

Now, in the past few months, I’m not entirely sure what has happened.  She no longer responds to any of my communication.  I haven’t heard from her in ages, regardless of whether or not I initiate a conversation.  I haven’t flat out asked her what’s wrong, or if there is something going on, because I would love it to just be that she’s been very busy, and doesn’t mean to neglect relationships.

I can’t lie when I say that it hurts me to find my ‘place’ on her top friends list fallen below that of my ex-husbands ‘new’ lady-friend. 

Here is my dilemma in its entirety:

I want my sister, as I have always called her, to be a part of my life.  I also, however, no longer want to be hurt by the remnants of my past.  I want her to come to my wedding, but I don’t want to be hurt by the possibility that she isn’t interested or no longer cares enough to come.  I don’t want to jump to the assumption that I have been written out of her life in ways we both promised would never happen. 

I don’t know what’s supposed to happen now.  I don’t know if I should just excuse myself from the table, so to speak, and allow it to slip quietly away.  I don’t know if I should fight for it – would the fight be welcome?  I don’t know how to pretend that none of this upsets me, and I just don’t care.

I do care.