I have this post already written in my head, and it makes me sad. It isn’t meant to be a woe-is-me situation or anything. It’s really just the way things feel to me.
I don’t have any friends.
Yeah, I know, that’s stupid. Mandy, you’re stupid.
You have a ton of friends on Facebook that you love keeping in touch with. And you have all of these amazing people that you consider your friends. Dana and Amanda are incredible. You probably couldn’t live without Joy, or Nancy, or Nadine. You are friends with the people you work with; you like all of them. And Crystal? She’s still your BFF. She always will be.
Then what the hell am I talking about?
The thing is, I can’t remember the last time I had a friend that I could hang out with on a moments notice. It has been years since there was someone that came over just to see me. Someone that called me when she had a problem and needed me. Someone that I could call just because I had a problem and needed her. There are no shopping trips, cause we’re both stressed out and need some retail therapy. No hugs, cause I just need a damn hug. No one that loves Ronan as much as I do, just because he’s mine.
I’m so jealous of all of the people that I see, and their groups of amazing friends. I am green with envy when I see Facebook pictures of the girls I knew in high school on camping trips and vacations with the best buds they’ve had since first grade. I want so badly to have that, and yet friendships like that aren’t just made. How does one become a best friend without being too forward, too aggressive? Can it just happen one day? It takes years to know someone well enough to know them inside and out, to know them as well as they know themselves. And it hurts like hell to consider someone the very best friend that you have, and know that to them you’re actually just okay to hang out with.
I have all of these friends that are in my life because of work, or because of mututal relationships, or just because of luck. I care about all of them, and they matter so much to me. But I don’t have THAT friend.
And it makes me terribly lonely. I’m surrounded by people that like me, and I’m lonely.
