My first real blog post in a few days.
This will be fun. My keyboard is broken because I spilled water on it yesterday. Go me.
I have all of these things that I want to write about, and yet none of them seem important enough to say.
All last week, I experienced something so wonderful, so amazing it’s difficult to put into words. Ronan had settled himself into a schedule where he would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm, then sleep until 2 am without waking, eat, and then sleep again until morning. I can’t even begin to describe what that week was like for me.
And then we had a Birthday party. I’m not entirely sure what screwed up the whole thing – whether it was the cake, or the excitement, or the missing of a nap – but the whole thing is screwed up. For the 3 days since the party, he’s been a bear to put to sleep, and woken nearly every hour. It’s like we’ve taken seven or eight steps backwards. I’m trying not to be too upset about it; we’ve dealt with it before, and we’ll deal with it again. It was just so frustrating to see some light at the end of the tunnel (or SLEEP, as it were) only to have it blink off. I always figure every day is a new chance for things to go well.
I also have been considering going to my doctor to have a talk about depression.
It’s a funny thing, trying to figure out what’s going on in your head, and whether or not it’s normal. I feel like I’m normal. But I also feel like I’m never really happy. I write all these posts about being lonely, and trying to get things together, and then I have a day like Saturday. My house is filled with so many wonderful people, all of whom love me or my husband or my son (or even all of us!) and I realize there is no reason for me to be lonely. I shouldn’t ever be sad. I just look around and know that I shouldn’t ever feel alone.
So then… why do I?
I don’t remember ever feeling like this when I was younger. I’ve sort of always chalked it up to being homesick and missing my family, but that doesn’t seem to hit the nail on the head either. I think that means it’s time to talk to someone else about it, and find out what ‘normal’ really should be.
Because there is no reason for me to be unhappy. I’m NOT unhappy. But I always feel sad, and I’d like that to go away now. I love my life, and I want to enjoy it too.
