I have found myself in a funny place.
I don’t remember being like this with Ronan at all. I wish I were, I wish I had known better.
A sweet friend recommended to me that I read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth… and so I did. I had no idea how much it would change my life. I honestly and very literally feel like it has changed the way my brain functions.
I had no idea that a woman’s body could be seen so powerfully. I had no idea that we could be in control of what happens, and how, and why. I had put complete and total faith in the medical system, believing that my doctors always had my best interest in mind. I really did buy the idea that “a healthy baby is worth any means it takes to get it here.”
I don’t feel that way any more.
I am in love with the idea of bringing my baby into the world in the manner of my choosing. It becomes terribly obvious, the more I read and the more I learn, that hospitals aren’t the BEST way to get a baby out – they are just ANOTHER way. After hundreds of years of making and birthing children, women have lost faith in their ability to bring forth and also nurture their own offspring.
Now don’t get me wrong, there ARE women who need to have their children in hospitals. There are ALWAYS situations in which mother and baby are better being attended by physicians who are away of the dangers and pathology of pregnancy. But they are NOT the norm, and the other 80% of us mothers have been hoodwinked into thinking that we can’t do it without help of some kind. Of all kinds. Of far too many kinds.
I have found myself lately talking to my baby girl. I never did this with Ronan. I find myself telling her that I can’t wait to bring her into this world. I can’t wait to feel the rush of labor, and the excitement of birth. I can’t wait to hold her for the first time, and watch her has she nurses. I can’t wait for a joyful, peaceful, comforting entry into our arms and our hearts. I tell her this every day. I feel myself becoming stronger, more aware of my body and its abilities. The fear and trepidation I’ve had in the past at the prospect of a ‘drug-free’ birth has been replaced by excitement, and the desire to challenge it head-on; the knowledge that it’s not something I should do or have to do, but something I CAN do. Never, in my life, have I felt more strength as a woman, more faith in my body and what I can do.
Never before have I known so fully and truly what I want to do, and who I want to be. Ina May has guided my path in a new direction.
I want to be a midwife.
