I want to write blogs that make people happy. I want people to cheer for us, and be proud of us, and be so thankful they stopped by to read. I want to inspire moms, and empower women, make dads laugh. I want to make people smile.
So when something doesn’t go the way I want it to, or when I’m down and frustrated and upset, I don’t want to write. Instead, I just do nothing. I don’t blog, and I don’t tweet and I turn my back on my friends. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or to feel pity for me. I don’t want it, so I do nothing.
Right now, I’m writing instead of doing nothing.
I worked all weekend. This means that I pumped and Ruby was bottle-fed. Since Saturday morning, I haven’t had the chance to nurse her, and she drank more milk than I was able to pump. When I left Saturday evening, there were 25 ounces of milk in the fridge. When I got home, I brought 13 ounces with me. I didn’t even come close to replacing what she had drank, and it scares the shit out of me. I hate myself for ever taking the steps to decrease my oversupply, because I had never, ever dealt with this problem beforehand. It’s stressful. And it sucks.
When I woke today, Ruby was acting hungry. I offered her the breast, and she wouldn’t even put it in her mouth. She played like it was a neat toy. LIke she had forgotten the purpose of a nipple. Like she was willing to sit quietly and patiently until I got her a bottle, and then she would eat. I didn’t force her. I put her in the bumbo and gave her a hunk of banana. (BLW!) I put her down for a nap. And when she woke, I offered again.
No thanks, mama.
I prepared a bottle, and I fed it to her. And I cried.
I cried because I want it to work so badly, and it’s not working. I cried because I somehow failed her, at some stage of this, and allowed it to get to the point that I can’t recover. I cried because I want to seek help so badly, and the funds aren’t there. I cried because it shouldn’t cost us our grocery money and our car payment to seek help, to teach my daughter to eat properly. I cried because I felt defeated today.
I don’t want to feel heartbroken every time things don’t go right. I don’t want to be done, but my heart hurts. I’m tired of crying.
From now on, I’m taking it one day at a time. We will do what we can, when we can.
Because no matter what happens, she will always be my baby girl.
