No sleep. And no patience. And no energy.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a bad momma, and a bad wife, and a bad housekeeper. I’m tired of being a bad friend.
I can’t remember ever having a day as bad as today. I love my kids, I do… but something has to give soon, before I have a mental break.
I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to move beyond this. I feel like we’ve sought help and asked all the right questions, and nothing changes. I feel like there is something wrong and no one is noticing. I feel like this is NOT NORMAL, and everyone keeps brushing it off as normal.
Ronan is not a normal kid. He’s sweet, and funny, and kind… but he also is very strong willed, and doesn’t ever want to veer from the path he has chosen. He has no regulatory ability, which means when he starts getting over-excited, he can’t calm himself down. When he’s over-excited, he loses his ability to discern what may or may not be appropriate, what may or may not be safe. He becomes very dangerous, to himself and others. But he doesn’t see it, and he can’t calm down. He also has no inhibitions. You can’t interrupt his “go” mode. If he is in the middle of reaching out his hand to touch the hot stove, it doesn’t matter how hard or loud you yell, you can’t interrupt the process once it’s in motion. He’s always immediately sorry afterwards, he genuinely regrets his action – but he’s unable to stop once he’s pushed play.
I feel like we have tried everything possible for sleep. Earlier bed times, later bed times, melatonin, different blankets, different rooms, different lighting, chiropractic care and reiki. We’ve tried skipping naps, longer naps, more physical activity, less TV, letting him stay up in his room until he’s tired, leaving the door open, letting him sleep with us… we have really tried everything short of drugging the kid.
Ronan’s occupational therapist believes that a night-time disruption of this nature is likely neurological. It’s not behavioral – he’s not rebelling or being awful – he can’t help it. With all of the other systems that he seems unable to regulate, it doesn’t seem like a stretch that he’s also unable to regulate his sleep cycle.
Moving forward, we’ve had some blood work done to find out if there’s anything physical going on (like low iron, or environmental factors.) Ronan’s OT is recommending a neuro consult. I guess that’s where we go from here.
To top it all off, Ruby is coming into her own. She has figured out that she is in control of her own body, and we can’t force her to do anything. She wants what she wants, and any “no” is met with an all out, back-arching, tonsil showing mega-fit.
Pregnant mama with no sleep is at the end of her rope. There is no more rope. We have exhausted all rope.
Please send rope.
